These are my confessions

The woman with the fabulous abs who blogs over at Vodka and Soda has done posts about her obsession confessions. in the past so I thought I would copy that shit.

Here are some of my obsessions. You obviously have to listen to the song as you read this because Ursher is super sexy. I have the song embedded at the bottom of this post...you're welcome.

-Diet Coke...No matter how hard I try not to drink it. I can't quit you DC.

-Chopped. I will watch it for hours.

-Yoga. I am going to 4 classes a week. I would go more but that is how many they offer at my gym.

-My dog.

-Kale. And spinach. I am hopping this will counter act the Diet Coke habit I can't shake.

-Target. That store is a real bastard sometimes.

-Detroit. I miss it.

-Baltimore, kinda want to move there. By kinda I mean really.

-Twitter. It makes me giggle.

-Records. I just cant get enough.

-Alabama Shakes. Particularly the record I just bought.

-Summer.

A timeline of my life through booze

1999- At the ripe old age of 14 I got shwasted for the very first time. My then (and still) best friend and I filled up pop cans with my parent's booze when they were having a party. That weekend we snuck down to my basement and downed shot after shot of whiskey for her and vodka for me. I was pretty hardcore as a child.

2002-2003- After such a harsh introduction to the devil's water, I did not drink again until my senior year. This time around I changed my poison to Mike's lemonade and Five O'clock vodka. My mom will deny it, but I used to give her $6 and she would buy me a fifth of Five O'clock on the weekends. I would then mix it with OJ and chain smoke newports. Pure class.

2003-2005- When I arrived at college I lived on keg beer and pucker. I would literally split a fifth of cherry pucker with my neighbor in the dorms almost every weekend. Yuck. I also from time to time when watching calories would fill a water bottle with vodka and a Crystal Light packet. It's actually quite good.

2006- By my junior year I had left the pucker for the kids and traded over to team Captain. My college roomate and I would wait on our nerd neighbor's porch after class and flirt with him until he would buy us a half gallon. We would mark the bottle at the halfway point with a sharpie so we would know when to quit.

2007- When I turned 21 and started hitting the college bars every night my go to drink was vodka tonic and  fruity shots. I despise tonic water and fruity shots these days. Too much of a good thing I guess.

2008-2009- After college I was feeling real classy. I had a big girl job that paid a whopping $24,000 a year, so naturally I chose to drink the most expensive thing you can drink: martinis. I still love a good stiff one.

Now- I wish I could say I gave up the hard stuff but honestly I just switch it up a little more these days. Nine times out of ten at a bar I order Jack and diet. If I am home it's usually red wine. I also frequently get down with the craft beer and have been known to put a hurt into some Fireball whiskey. I will also always, always love my Miller Lite.



Shit I Never Ever Thought I Would Do

As I have mentioned about 345,939 times on this here blog, I moved from Detroit to rural ass Maryland two years ago. While I have always enjoyed nature and being outdoors, I am a city girl.

In the last two years I have done things I never expected, and while they are certainly character building...this place is still not really my style.

Without further ado, here is some country ass shit I find myself doing on the regular:

-Purchasing hay (or maybe it's straw..IDK) multiple times a year for work.

-Shopping at the tractor supply store...yup went there yesterday to buy stuff for work. This is possibly the only store in America where I don't feel compelled to buy something.

-Dealing with children getting bit by ponies at my events.

-Interacting a great deal with War reenactors. This is a special breed of people. I love um, even though I don't understand um.

-Visiting an archaeology site several times a month. I just can't get into it. And I hate digging.

-Passing more horses than cars on my drive to work.

-Driving around in a Gator. I won't lie this is one of my favorite things on Earth.

-Worrying about getting ticks when I go running or hiking.

-Picking crabs...I have only done this twice. It is too much work for me. I'm over it.

There are more...but it is time for this kid to get back to work.



My ride at work...I love it. I love it so much. 

Lessons Learned at a Music Festival

Well this weekend the manfriend took me to my first ever multi-day music festival. It was pretty much heaven on Earth and I am still alive so all is well with the world. I brought back with me a lovely suntan and some tips for surviving a music festival (for those of you who have never been).

1. Just because you want it to be warm, does not mean it will be. Don't pack like a jackass and only have cute dresses and tank tops because then when it is freezing you will be forced to wear your ugly hoodie and tennis shoes.

2. You can never, ever pack too much food or booze. You can share with your new friends you make and trust me, even if you think you have tons of dranks, you will certainly be craving something other than what you packed by day 3. Go for variety...it's the spice of life.

3. You will make wonderful friends at a music festival.

4. Live music is the best music.

5. Watching shows never gets old. Neither does dancing.

6. Dancing all day and night for three days will negate the fact that you didn't run once like you planned to.

7. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol for three days will negate the dancing.

8. Some people are stuck in the 60s, even though they weren't born yet. And that is ok, because they are probably pretty nice.

9. Dreadlocks do not look good on everyone.

10. Festival feet are gross feet.

11. Even when you are not on drugs, you will start to feel like you are after a few days at a music festival.

12. A shower is the most glorious thing in the entire world after camping out and dancing with no shoes for several days.

13. Port-a-poties are fucking disgusting.

14. You will look homeless by the last day of the festival. You will look even more homeless when you wash your face in the bathroom of a mall food court on your way home.

15. Your own bed and non-campsite shower is a little slice of heaven when you get home. You will also miss your dog a lot while you are gone.

Fighting fire with fire

Do people ever piss you off? Say in line at a store, a snotty cashier, or rude driver?

Yea me too. And most of the time I am laid back and just kill people with kindness.

Sometimes however I can't keep my mouth shut and get into a little quarrel in public...some people call this being a bitch, I call it spunk.

Here are a list of locations where I have lost my cool and gotten a little shitty with someone...only when they deserved it of course.

Blockbuster-guess what?? Now they are going out of business...looks like I won that one.

Salvation Army-this one happened with my little sister in tow...she was mortified.

The Post Office-learn to drive your car, and don't cop a tude with me.

The Sprint Store-don't be rude, I am about to pay an arm and a leg for a phone, I'm a little ornery to begin with.

Mr. Tire-just because I am a girl does not mean you should attempt to screw me over.

Facebook-you haven't really lived until you have gotten into it on the book.

I know there are like a thousand more locations but I am drawing a blank. I swear I am a pretty nice, easy going girl...but sometimes I just can't. Next time someone gets on your nerves, send them my way.

I sat this to Fred everyday. 

I pretty much won an emmy

So I am rather new at this blogging jazz, and I must say I really dig it.

I almost pee my pants anytime I get a comment on a post, so thanks for that if you are a commenter.

You can imagine my shock and delight when I discovered this blogger I read on a regular basis Adriana nominated me for a Liebster Award. If you aren't aware it is pretty much an Academy Award. Make sure you read her blog Dog Hair Is An Accessory.  My Michigan sister from another mister Courtney also nominated me, and I would have done the same for her, if someone hadn't beat me to it. So be sure to read her blog The Little Things...And Vodka too. Both those blog titles pretty much sum up my life, and they are really awesome blogs.

There are a bunch of rules I need to follow, and I hope I don't mess them up so without further ado here are the instructions...if I nominate you make sure you do this shit too or I will come get you.

This award is to be presented to blogs who have less than 200 followers.

I have no doubt after winning, my follower count will skyrocket...

After being acknowledged, you should...

-Acknowledge the blog that nominated you in a post.

-Tell 11 facts about yourself.

-Answer the 11 questions the nominating blogger created.

-List 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers that you believe deserve some recognition.

-Post 11 questions for them to answer.

-Notify all the bloggers selected that they have been nominated.

-And finally, you can't nominate the blog who nominated you.

Here are my 11 facts:

1. I am left handed.
2. I am an event planner.
3. I am writing this from a Days Inn.
4. I could live on chips and guacamole.
5. I like dogs more than most people.
6. I love to cook.
7. I love to eat more.
8. I started running recently because of #7.
9. I think laughing is the best thing in the entire world.
10. My favorite color is green.
11. I feel like I just completed a MySpace survey, and I didn't hate it.

Here are the questions I was told to answer from Adriana:

1. Who's been your biggest bloggy help?

-Well this was pretty damn helpful. I would have to say the first bloggers who were super nice and helpful to me were Bourbon and Glitter and Helene In Between. Those are some good bitches right there. But honestly everyone I have interacted with has been the cat's pajamas.

2. What "Most Likely To..." superlative would you get now? (doesn't have to be traditional)

-Most likely to get into a fight in a check out line.

3. What's your favorite movie to quote?

-Step Brothers, no question.

4. What's one thing that surprised you about blogging?

-That I haven't become internet famous yet.

5. What's the first thing you do when you get home from work?

-Take Fred for a walk.

6. What's your favorite social media outlet?

-Instagrizzy
7. What's your go to/signature drink at the bar?

-Jack and Diet

8. What's your dream career?

-I want to be the director of an art museum eventually, but at the moment I am doing exactly what I want to be doing.

9. How many times do you snooze your alarm in the morning?

-like 48

10. What's your favorite summer activity?

-Tubing.

11. Flats or heels?

-Flats.

 

and from Courtney:

 

1. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?

-I pretty much like any type of ice cream, but if push comes to shove cocnut chocolate chip...yes that is a real kind.
2. Channing Tatum or Bradley Cooper?

-Bradley..obviously.

3. Your all time FAVORITE quote?

-"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." Story of my fucking life.

4. If we were stranded on an island, what are three things that we'd most definitely need?

-Booze, a friend, sunblock (i'm so white it's sad)
5. What's one tip you could give about blogging?

-You have to really make connections before people will start reading your blog, I always thought it would be easy to get followers...it in fact takes some time.

6. What's on your summer bucket list?

-Lots of travel.

7. Do you have any funny/strange/gross/amazing hidden talents?

-I am a pretty good hula hooper.

8. What's your biggest fear?

-scuba diving, and I am terrified of ladders...but not heights.

9. Besides mine (wink), who's blog do you read the moment you wake up?

-Helene in Between and Bourbon and Glitter and Gin and Bear It.

10. What's your biggest pet peeve?

-Littering.

11. I'm throwing a party. What are you bringing?

-Some delicious appetizer and lots of wine...probably some shot materials too.

 

Here are 11 questions for my nominees to answer:

1. If you could bang any celebrity who would it be?
2. What is the coolest place you have ever traveled?
3. What's the funniest thing that has happened to you this month?
4. Coke or Pepsi?
5. Favorite TV show?
6. Describe your personal style?
7, What's your idea of the perfect night out?
8. The perfect weekend?
9. What type of dog is the cutest in all the land (other than Fred) 
10. How did you loose your virginity? Just kidding...how many shots do you usually take on a Friday night?
11. What do you like best about where you live?

And here are the gals I am nominating. 
Little Pink Droppings
Lobster Lovefest
Champagne and Pizza
Mandy's Mission
Friday Morning Buzz
Life by Liz
Sarcasm and Stilettos
Smalls
Everyday Adventures
Eventfully Crazy
A Mess of Beautiful Chaos

For those of you listed who don't "Know" me just yet, I either just started following you and haven't commented yet, or I just have been busy as shit and haven't commented in a while. Either way I like your style. If you have more than 200 followers, sorry I clearly just can't count.

Oh hey Friday

       

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Most of my week (Sunday-Wednesday) was spent at a work conference. As you can imagine, I spent Thursday after work spending quality time with my son. I enjoyed putting my name tag from the conference on him, and making him wear it all evening. We went to a BBQ with some neighbors and I let him take it off then so the other dogs wouldn't be jealous.

2. I cannot even explain how much I dug the conference I attended, or I will loose my reputation as a total snot...but spending a week learning about really cool shit going on in the museum world was fantastic. I love my job, and being around new interesting people in my field reinforced the fact that I am in the right career, and doing what I love.

3. The convention center had a whole bunch of companies set up showing their insanely expensive exhibit designs, products, etc... This was my favorite booth. Who knew old Abe likes Natty Boh? Learn something new everyday I tell you.

4. My co-worker and I crashed a party hosted by the conference. You were supposed to pay 35 dollars...screw that. We just walked in and no one threw us out. It was held at one of my all time fave museums the AVMA. It was pretty amazing because they had free drinks and you could make hats in the art lab. It is also just an amazing place. You should probably go.

5. This plethora of happiness is the supply my boyfriend purchased for he and I to take to Dell Fest (A bluegrass music festival) this weekend. We are heading there today and staying until Monday morning. So somehow we have to drink all that booze in three days. I think we can do it.

Adult Spring Break 2013

I just got back from a four day conference for work. If you have ever been to a multi-day conference, you know it is pretty much like an Adult Spring Break.

If you haven't been to one, try and find a job where they send you to at least one conference a year. You won't regret, it I swear.

Basically your company will pay for you to travel somewhere, buy you a hotel room, and purchase all your meals all so you can get drunk in a new city.

This time the conference was in Baltimore, which isn't too exotic for me since I go there like every month, but hey I'll take what I can get. 

The conference itself was pretty sweet, and I really learned a lot and met some cool kids. I also got to witness a 3D printer in action (bottom left picture) that was neato.

But who gives a shit about the daytime, the evening is when conferences really get great.

Like any good spring breaker, I made lots of questionable decisions...

....I crashed a party.

....Drank my dinner the first night.

....Wore stupid shoes causing my poor toes to get blisters.

....Met up with friends and stayed out way later than I should have while singing "it's raining men" to everyone I passed on the streets.

...stopped to take pictures of a baggie of coke or crack (sorry I'm not an expert) I saw on the sidewalk during my morning run.

....got shit faced on free red wine at the "Professional Networking" happy hour.

....woke up 12 minutes before I needed to be in a session the last day. Winning always.

Dirty text messages

Some people exchange dirty messages with their significant other.

I on the other hand only do it with my two best buds from college. I really want the three of us to get married, but I am not sure Eddie can handle Monica and I. I do know one thing, our reality show would be a helluva lot better than Sister Wives. I miss these two. I spend approximately 456 hours a week group messaging them, and I love it. I love it so much.

How could anyone resist an invitation like this:

Eddie is a single man for some crazy reason, he recently got a little hot and bothered by the sight of multiple women in yoga pants:

One of our recent convos included Monica talking about her sex life:

Here is me trying to get the ball rolling on the group marriage...I am the only one in a relationship so they need to hook up first.

That's all for now. Sorry kids, I am having too much fun at my work conference to spend much time doing anything but attending sessions and drinking free wine...

One of these things is better than the other

Despite the fact that I skipped at least one class every day my senior year of high school and I binge drank five to six nights a week in college, I was a pretty good student.

I manged to get really good grades and rarely studied...exept in math. I fucking hate math and am borderline remedial when it comes to dealling with numbers of any kind.

The only lesson I ever recal understaning or enjoying in math was the greater than, less than, and equal to shit. You know: > < =

I liked that. I remember my teacher told us to think of it as an aligator eating the number that was bigger..now that stuck with me.

I wanted to play a little greater than, less than, equal to game of my own. I hope you all agree with these statements, but if not we can probably still be friends...probably.

Diet Coke > Diet Pepsi

Records > iTunes

Cats < Dogs

Yoga = Zumba

Pizza = Chicken Wings

American Idol < The Voice

Vodka > Rum

White Wine < Red Wine

Sons of Anarchy > All other TV shows

Target < Almost anything in the world

Walmart < Almost anything in the world

A clean house = A clean car

Hot Sauce < All other condiments

Candy < Chocolate

Cheesecake > Regular cake

Sorry, this is some pretty lame material. I am tired.

Monica Lewinsky

Lately my damn job has been getting in the way of my blog time and it is starting to piss me off. I have been obscenely busy at the old workplace the last week and now I am at a three day conference (or as I like to call them adult spring break).

Anyway, I typically like to spend the first hour(ish) of my work day doing a lil blog stalking, commenting on other blogs and writing post that amuse me...and probably only me. Then I get a bunch of work done (when I am not busy gossiping with my office mates). As of late, I have had to come in and start the daily grind ASAP...it sucks ass. I want an intern.

I am getting real sick of the "minion" aspects of my job. Back when I was in undergrad I completed two unpaid internships and wrote for two school newspapers for free.
In grad school I did another unpaid internship.

All of these positions taught me how to be someone's little bitch. I think the time has come for me to have a bitch of my own.

-I want someone to get me coffee in the morning when I am crabby and tired.

-I want someone to make copies and fold shit for me. I don't want to stuff envelopes anymore...I have paid my dues.

-I want someone to pick up my dry cleaning (actually I don't really dry clean, but maybe they could do my laundry).

-I want someone to be kind of terrified and mesmerized by me all at the same time.

-I want someone to screen my calls.

-I want someone to pick up delicious lunches for me and to remind me when I have meetings and deadlines.

I am accepting applications. I won't pay you, but I will probably buy you coffee every morning and drinks every night.

Show me the money

I have seen quite a few blog posts lately regarding finances. I am nothing if not a copy cat so I am jumping on this blog wagon and sharing some of my personal financial advice.

I feel pretty strongly about my advice given that I have never had a student loan, have worked since I was 14 years old, and amazingly enough have less in my savings account than my three year old niece. (that kid is fu*king spoiled though)

So if you want to be 28 years old, living in a mediocre apartment and driving a 2006 Scion one day, follow these simple tips.

Party Girl Finance 101

#1. If you want to take a lavish trip to say Spain, London, Rome, Jamaica, or anywhere else for that matter...always charge it. A low number in the old bank account should never stop you from drinking in foreign countries...never!

#2. If you are a little too broke to leave the country, just fly your ass to Boston or somewhere southern for the weekend, because then you can at least get drunk with people with accents.

#3. If you cannot get any extra time off work to justify a flight, just drive to a cute resort town or head to the nearest city and get a room for the night. Just because you are only an hour from home in say DC does not mean you should not spend $100+ dollars on a hotel room.

#4. Always spend at least $100 at the bar. Buy all your friends shots, even if no one wants them and you are broke as a joke.

#5. When you and your boyfriend go out to dinner, don't ever look to groupon or go somewhere inexpensive like Subway, make sure you opt for fine dining. You are a classy bitch you. Order an appetizer and a glass of nice wine. You should always dine like you are a middle aged business man with an expense account.

#6. Spend more money on your dog's treats and toys than your parents spent on your sister's wedding. The dog will love you more the more you spend. Your dog also needs several leashes and collars to match your outfit. And ties, if you have a male dog it needs ties.

#7. Only buy organic groceries. They are always a better value. And start juicing, that has been a really cheap hobby I have developed.

#8. Make sure all your household products and cleaning supplies are eco friendly and/or made of recycled materials.

#9. Only purchase organic shampoos, lotions, and makeup. They only cost a small fortune...so worth it.

#10. Mail multiple packages to your three year old niece and infant nephew each month...they will totally remember all the money you spent on Puma track suits and Calvin Klein onsies.

Who I'll Hang With When I'm Famous

Why I would make a shitty mother

Now that I am 28 and am pretty much married without the terrifying legal commitment,  I am frequently asked if I will be having kids. There is one woman at work in particular who really loves babies and wants me to have a few little bastards asap. I always tell her no, I would be a bad mom. She is always all like, no you are so nice you would be a great mom.

It is true, I can be really nice once in awhile...but only once in awhile and there are a whole bunch of reasons I am pretty sure the "mommy" thing is not my cup of tea.

This right here is a picture of the most beautiful child in American and possibly the world. My niece Evelyn is the cutest ever so don't even try to dispute it. She is three and is the first baby I have ever held. You do the math, the first time I held a baby was at 25. That is not normal.

In addition to Evelyn, I have since held three other babies. One of which is her infant brother Arthur. The other two were because someone made me.

I have never in my life touched a pregnant belly. That shit creeps me out and I am not sure why everyone wants me to touch their belly when they have an alien growing inside. I don't want you to touch my belly when it is full of vodka and chicken wings, so don't ask me to touch yours.

I can never see the baby in those creepy sonogram photos. Never.

I have never changed a diaper. I hope this never changes.

I also can't even pretend shit like this is cute. My sister sends me the kids art work all the time and I have no clue what to do with it. I love my niece and nephew, but so far they suck at art.

I can literally never judge how old a baby is, and I never remember what size my niece and nephew wear. Some people seem to have intuition about those things, I do not.

I do not know at what age children are supposed to eat or do certain things. I tried to give my niece a pretzel before she had teeth, my sister was not thrilled.

I once lost a child while babysitting in college. This was a group effort, I am not exclusively to blame. And in my defense I felt terrible and we found said child at our neighbors house after about twenty minutes.

I was only asked to babysit on two occasions by my neighbors in high school ever because I apparently had a "reputation". These kids were both about eleven so I am not sure if that is technically a kid or a tween. I guess either the two I did babysit for didn't love their kids or they were real desperate.

I am also pretty bad with schedules, rules, and responsibility...I hear those things are essential to child rearing.

I swear a lot, drink too much, and often forget to feed myself and the dog too. Pretty sure my kid would run away as soon as it could.

A little drunken beach getaway

So I promised Jose I would take him on a weekend adventure for his birthday, that was back in February so in traditional slacker style we got around to taking that trip this past weekend.

Friday afternoon Jose and Fred scooped me up from work and we made the 3 hour trek to Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. Neither of us had ever been, but the Dogfish Head Brewery is there and Jose gets all hot and bothered for craft beer so we decided it was the perfect location.

I did not know before arriving, but quickly learned Rehoboth Beach is a shopper's paradise. Unfortunately my finances are in a bit of a pickle this month so I did not get to shop to the extent I would have liked....mark my words I will be back.

When we got in that night, we checked into our shitty motel room...it smelled like play doh and had bedspreads from the 80s...yikes. We then got ourselves gussied up and made our way to the Dogfish Head brew pub. We had a great dinner, listened to the band and tried some of the beers. Then I noticed they served samplers of the liquor they distill. Naturally I ordered that shit. I feel like I was pretty well behaved on Friday night, but I did take a little tumble when we walked the boardwalk that night, I blame my wedge heels not myself.

Saturday we toured the brewery which was really fun, I bought a bunch of beer paraphernalia, and we tried some more samples. Afterwards we went back to the motel got the baby and took him for a walk. We walked a few miles around the town until we found a bar where they allow 100 pound dogs to hang out. We had some lunch and beers. Then we ventured to the beach, it was too cold to swim or anything but it was still really nice to walk around and Fred dug it.

There was a liquor store right across from our motel so we decided when we got back to have a few cocktails before dinner. We had a late lunch so we figured we could eat around 9. Fred passed the F out, he really enjoyed having his very own bed. We sat in the parking lot like the classy group we are and drank Miller Lites. Jose researched restaurants on his phone. After two and a half beers I was feeling quite saucy so we decided to hit the town. I told Jose I was no longer hungry and that we should just drink dinner that night. And that we did. I don't remember a whole lot except I consumed about 400 shots of fireball and at least two kegs of Miller Lite. Apparently we got pizza around 2am and I was really mad they wouldn't put artichokes on it. I had a crush on a lesbian and made best friends with a middle aged man from Virginia. So all in all a pretty typical night for me.

Sunday we walked the boardwalk with Fred then headed home. If you ever get the chance check out the Delaware beaches...they are quite nice!



a lady in the streets...

Here is a list of fictional characters I would like to bang in no particular order:

1.) Jax Teller. I don't feel like I need to elaborate on this, but I will say a few things. What woman doesn't love a man who can be sweet to his newborn son then stab or shoot someone the same day. Someone who stands by his friends to the end and has the dreamiest hair on the planet. A man who rides a motorcycle like a bad ass and is smart enough to trick the FBI. And then there is his body...

2.) Don Draper. I really have never wanted to be anyone's other woman as much as I do with Don. Even though he frequently gets so drunk he makes a scene and vomits in public (let's be honest so do I), I would gladly let him come to my apartment when my husband was at work.

3.) Gatsby. And not because of the movie either. I loved that book since the seventh grade. I love drinking, parties, and money therefore Gatsby is a dreamboat if you ask me. Plus the 20s is like my favorite decade ever.

4.) Aiden from Sex and the City. He is way hotter than Big. Plus he had a Brittney spaniel and designed furniture...that shit is so hot.

5.) Zach Morris. Don't even lie...you do too.

6.) A.J. from Empire records. I love artists, and I really love longish hair. He was a stone cold fox.

7.) Daniel Cleaver in Bridgette Jones Diary. I could care less that he got caught with a hooker...I would probably pay to sleep with Hugh Grant, especially in this movie, but really any of his characters are bangable in my opinion.

8.) Andy from Weeds. I think he is insanely attractive and I like how goofy he is. Plus if I was banging him I would get to hang out with Kevin Nealon all the time.

Do you remember the time...

...when we fell in love. Do you remember the time when we first met?

I heard this little ditty on my ride into work today and it got me reminiscing about many things...

Do you remember the time when MJ was still alive? I sure do, I had a huge crush on him and used to play his tapes on family car trips. My dad would tell me MJ was gay and I would cry and tell him how much I hated him for saying that. Aww, sweet family memories. Seriously though, I love MJ. Always have, always will.

Do you remember the time when we used to IM each other instead of texting? My screen name was EDawg25325….what a little thug I was.

Do you remember the time when you could skip school every day and still get into a good college? I wish I could skip work every day and still get paid…

Do you remember the time when you could drink every night and not get fat or hungover? Those were the days.

Do you remember the time when Carson Daily hosted TRL and everyone thought he was hot? Not me, I liked Jesse Camp myself.

Do you remember the time when “I will remember you” was every high school (including mine) in ‘Merica’s graduation song? I personally wanted the equally cliche Greenday version, but the bastards didn’t listen to me….probably because I skipped too much school.

Do you remember the time when the writer of a fore mentioned song changed her name to Sarah McLiferuiner and made everyone cry when she showed them poor abused animals?

Do you remember the time when MySpace was the thing? I kind of wish it still was. Mine had sparkly Hello Kitties on it and played songs like "Bartender" by T-Pain. I also remember answering a lot of surveys on that MySpace.

Do you remember the time when your parents bought all your shit and you only worked part time at the Dairy Queen so you could buy yourself every single article of clothing at American Eagle and 30 CDs a week?

Do you remember the time when you could go to this big building in college and fill a tray with food that you didn’t have to buy or cook? God the caf was awesome…mine had sushi and a pasta bar.

Do you remember the time when the best dating shows were Temptation Island, Next, and Blind Date? I can’t get into this Bachelor deal for some reason.

Do you remember the time when this was my favorite song? Ok, you probably didn’t know that…but you do now. Happy Friday Bitches.

Let me tell ya about my best friend.

I am the luckiest bitch in the world. I have three best friends. Sadly, they all live in Michigan but I still feel pretty fortunate to say I have three bffs. They can all keep up with me at the bar and know every single thing there is to know about me. Most of the time I really like living in Maryland and have some excellent amigos here, but from time to time I really miss my homies back in Michigan...especially these three

I personally think everyone should invest in three best friends because then when one pisses you off you have two others to hang out with. It is helpful is they are from different circles as mine happen to be. That way they can never gang up on you. Be sure they at least get along though because from time to time they will need to spend time together.

This lovely lady is my best friend from college. We went to a frat party with a mutual friend one evening and the rest is history. I have never had an instant connection with another girl like this one and I! Seriously from that night on we have been inseparable. She is the vodka to my cranberry and the ranch to my chicken wing. We have never had a boring night out, somehow trouble finds us and we are usually the life of the party. I love you muffin.

And then there is this guy. We grew up across the street from each other, his mom used to babysit my sister and I so we have literally been friends since we were two. We have been reeking havoc ever since. He used to be my neighbor and he is not into girls so I sometimes affectionately call him my gaybor. He loves it, he is sassier than I am if you can believe it...and if he gets too drunk there is a good chance he will get into a fight. I have been trying to calm his ass down since the 80s and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And then there is my Samera. That isn't her real name but we read a trashy romance novel aloud to each other a few summers ago and I have referred to her as the main character ever since. We are really weird together. Weird in the sense that we do things like get hammered and read entire romance novels out loud, and we used to like to "dust" each other with make up brushes when we were kids. In high school we would steal her sister's change to buy Slurpee's and we would sometimes play with barbies when we had a few too many. This bitch got married recently so we haven't had as many shenanigans lately, but I know they aren't over....we are both still too weird not to be the best of friends.

I love and miss all three of you, even though you probably aren't reading this like a good best friend would.

For more drunken tales, click this link-a-roonie

My Fam Damily, Uncle Kenny Edition

I mentioned Uncle Kenny here, but want to share a little more about him, because he truly is the coolest individual on this planet and he has been on my mind because I bought a plane ticket for him to fly out to Maryland for a visit in a few weeks...be preapared for some wild stories.

Kenny may be young at heart, but dude is getting up there at 66. Since he is on the older side he was never officially diagnosed with any type of disability, but at birth the oxygen was cut off to his brain causing him to be a little different than most of us. And by different I mean incredibly special.

(I like to take him to fancy restaurants like Hooters)

Kenny is the sassiest mofo you will ever meet. If you want an honest opinion about something, ask him. After getting my highlights done a while back I asked Kenny what he thought: "It's way too light". Thanks man...just what I wanted to hear.

He loves to shell out parenting advice to my sister.

"Kim make sure you hold the baby's head and don't have anymore kids. Two is enough."

He loves the shit out of her kids though, so I have a feeling if she has more he will accept it. He also calls everyone hun, and occasionally speaks and gestures to my niece as if she were a dog, and by occasionally I mean always.

Kenny has been known to send out hate mail. If you piss him off, he will get even. His therapist got onto his shit list a few years ago and Kenny sent enough hate mail to get himself banned from that doctor's office. If that isn't bad ass I don't know what is.

(Kenny at the Smithsonian when he came to visit)

Greeting cards are like gold in Kenny's world. If you do not send his Christmas and birthday card at least a week in advance he pretty much hates you. And don't worry he keeps track. Two years without getting a card from you and he will remove you from his mailing list for ever.

Kenny is diabetic but eats sugar like it is going out of style when he can get away with it. He once ate six cupcakes and blamed it on me.

My sister called me when she discovered the missing cupcakes and asked, "how drunk were you last night?"

Me, "Not very, why?"

Kim, "You ate all the left over dessert."

Me, "Umm no."

Kim, "Dammit Kenny!"

He then told her he knows when to quit with the sweets because he has had diabetes his entire life (not true). Yeah, he knows when to quit alright, when everything is gone.

(Enjoying a cocktail when he came to Maryland last summer)

Kenny loves classic cars, Harley Davidson, and HGTV. Apparently he has quite the interior design flare as he recently selected bright pink paint for his bathroom when my mom re-decorated his condo.

Kenny loves animals and they love him more.

He used to have a parakeet named Shirley. Shirley never went in her cage and Kenny fed her pizza and Diet Mountain Dew. When he took a trip to Nashville with my mother I had the distinct pleasure of watching the bird. Low and behold it died on my watch. I searched every pet store in the metro-Detroit area for a similar looking parakeet and finally found one that may have passed as Shirley to a blind person. Kenny never noticed, but a week later Shirley 2 kicked the bucket and Kenny was not the least bit upset. I imagine it was all the diet pop that bird was drinking.

(He's wild)

Kenny calls it like he sees it and loves like no other. He thinks he is the shit with his cell phone strapped to his belt and tucks in his sweatshirts. He also wears more jewelry than your average man and currently sports a shark's tooth on a chain, a cross, and a giant rhinestone "K".

Legend has it Kenny used to drive a moped when he was younger.  I would pay some serious money to ride on the back of that hog.

(I miss him all the time)

Ok Kids, it's time for my first ever link up. If you have a blog and want to take part, just grab this button or link to me in your post and write about your family. Be sure to link up below. It would be stellar if you would follow me too, but only if you wanna.

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