Not my main squeeze Jose though. In fact, as far as I know he really likes me. I assume this because we never really fight, he buys me a lot of shit, and he goes along with most everything I want to do.
So since I have managed to keep him around I figure I will share a few of the things that really should help you loose a guy, but for me have not yet worked.
-Always fix your meat and potatoes loving boyfriend crazy hippie food. I essentially live on eggplant and quinoa...lucky Jose gets to enjoy all my hippie dippy recipes, and never bitches about it even though I am sure he would prefer a burger and some fries.
-Get real wasted at the bar and tell all your girl friends to just put their drinks on your boyfriend's tab. Yep, I do this one every weekend. Sorry boo.
-Also, make sure to pick fights about stupid shit when you are drunk. The next day when both your memories are a little foggy, convince him it was all his fault even though you both know you are the on that rhymes with rich.
-Frequently argue with him about who the dog loves more. Also, insist that if you ever get divorced you will be keeping the dog. (Never mind that you aren't yet married)
-Back him into saying things then get mad about it. Such as, ask him if you should go to the gym today and if he says something like, "if you want to", get real pissed off and pout that he thinks you are fat.
-Ask him to do something and then get irritated with the way he does it. Examples include asking him to clean and then re cleaning everything he just did, or asking him to make whatever he wants for dinner and turning your nose up at what he chooses.
-When your manfriend is making you a nice dinner, hover over his shoulder and wipe up every time he spills or splatters. They love that.
-Insist that every product you use is made of recycled materials even though they cost more and don't work as well. Also be a total stickler about recycling everything you can, even though there is no recycling pick up at your apartment so it needs to be driven 15 minutes away to the dump, of course the dirty bins are not allowed in your car so gets the honor of driving them.
-Get tanked when he takes you out to bars and then get sassy with people you don't know. Always ask him how you behaved the next morning. Every man loves a sloppy drunk.
Ok, I am going to stop now because I sound like a major skunt here, but I can assure you I'm actually not. Jose and I are happy campers but I know I can be a pill from time to time. I'm pretty lucky I guess.
Are you a big bitch to your boy toy, or is it just me?
22 comments:
i made manfriend sign a document that said i get the dog if we broke up and then i hung it on the fridge with a smiley face magnet.
LOL my husband probably thinks i'm an awful wife.
things I do which surprises me that he hasn't divorced me yet:
1) i don't fold his laundry; instead, i throw them into a basket and get him to fold it himself. i ain't his mama!
2) i tell him how to drive; then he gets a speeding ticket LOL. this has actually happened twice.
3) i ask him to do something, then complain about how he's doing it all wrong.
4) whenever he hurts himself, i laugh. i'm not sure why i think it's so funny but it is. one time he was installing our pot lights, he got electrocuted, dropped the pliers and fell off the ladder....and i couldn't stop laughing. it wasn't a far fall but it was so funny. he was pretty pissed about that.
5) when he's sick, i make him sleep in the basement theater room. his snoring (from his sinus congestion) keeps me awake.
...now that i'm reading this, i AM a terrible wife (and person!) :(
-kathy
Vodka and Soda
Pretty sure just being an all round betch makes me the winner of this. He especially loves it when we make a decisions on how to do something and I chnage my mind, don't tell him, then get pissed when he's DOING IT WRONG! :)
Love this!! Yes, you totally get the dog should anything happen. Putting all your friends drinks on his tab, nice! I totally need to see the sassy drunk that would be too fun!
Hahahaha I must be a skunt too :)
Haha yessss. Whenever he asks me if I'm going to the gym I always take it as "You should really get your ass in the gym"
BAHAHA you are my role model lady friend
You are hilarious. I have a few favorite techniques such as, decide which words are used for certain commands for the dog and then yell at him when he uses the wrong word. Sigh loudly as you pick up the dirty dish he left on the coffee table for 30 seconds. Force him to drive and then complain that his driving makes you carsick. We are gems.
what? i'm a perfect wife and i cook and clean and then rub his feet at night.
SICK.
love this. and yes.
Yes yes and yes.
and I am in love with this post! I am so guilty of many of these why Steve sticks around is beyond me considering I haven't cooked a carb in 2 years.
It's love. Ya'll should get married and honeymoon in San Antonio. (Before I get preganant, though, so we can take lots of pickle shots. We'll make them at home so you won't put them on his tab. We're awesome like that. Can you pick up a magnum of grey goose on your way from the airport, though?)
I am the same way with a lot of these and we have been together for 6.5 years sooo you at least have 3.5 more to go before he leaves! haha ;)
Good lord girlie you are soo bad lol
I love this list! It sounds like something my boo would write about our courtship. He might add something about getting drunk and taking off pants in public, but otherwise spot on!
yup- I sent this post onto the hubs as I'm sure he can add like 20 more things to this list. I totally ask him to do something, then bitch about how he's doing it. but I mean, c'mon, if he did it right, I wouldn't have to say anything ;)
Right there with ya, sister. But let's be honest, we're so awesome that its worth sticking around ;)
Also, I have quite a few doggy patient's who are in the middle of a custody battle between their divorced owners. It should probable be decided ahead of time who gets the dogs. In our case I've claimed Winnie and stuck him with Annabelle. And we're not married yet, either! Planning ahead never hurts ;)
Soooo true, all men love a good old sloppy drunk. AKA this guy :/
xo. Kailagh
Ohhh my gosh. Yes. I always tell my husband to do something and then I get irritated and tell him to do it over when he does it "all wrong". I am totally guilty of that. My poor husband! hahaha Love this!
Hahaha the recycling one is so me back in Houston! We had to drive it to the dumpster and I always made him go with me.
Jose is so lucky to have you cook him hippy food. ;)
I'm definitely keeping the dogs in the divorce-even-though-we're-not-married! and my worst is definitely turning everything he says into something negative. He says, "I don't want to watch that show", I say, "You think I'm stupid bc you don't like anything I watch on TV"
I'm the queen of arguing I guess. Manfriend of mine says I do it all the time but it's not on purpose. He just talks weird. And I'm the queen of guilt trips sometimes. But he's a bullshitter (literally, his initials are BS), so he deserves it occasionally.
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