The ghosts of Halloween past

Happy Halloween guys!

I love this day. So very much, because if there is one thing I love more than getting drunk, it is getting drunk in a costume. 

I don't have much time to post today on account of every department at my work created a haunted house and we are spending the day trick or treating and binge eating fun sized candy bars, but I did want to share a few of my favorite Halloween pictures with you...just in case you aren't in the spirit quite yet. 

Ahhh the old classic. A slutty insect. The worst part about this one was I somehow convinced my dad to let me make him a lady bug costume too and we matched for a Halloween party one of his co-workers threw. 

Speaking of my dad, a few years ago I was at my parent's house the week of Halloween and noticed a spare toilet in their garage (don't ask). I proceeded to take that porcelain thrown out the the front yard and made this bad boy. 

And here you have my take on Slappy the ventrilequist dummy from the Goosebumps Books. If you don't know who he is, you obviously didn't have a very good childhood because Goosebumps Books were the shit. R.L. Stein what.

The ever popular cat. Not very original but something you can throw together at the last minute for about $1.89.

Then there was the year I dressed up as Popeye. Or at least that's what I said I was, in hindsight I look like more of a slutty sailor. My main concern is why I thought it was a good idea to wear all white given how much I drink. I can only imagine how bad that looked by the end of the night.

A few years ago I rocked the Hamburglar. I also got to enjoy a Happy Meail before the bar in order to get a purse. I probably could have just asked for the Happy Meal box, but where's the fun in that. You should also note I allowed my boyfriend to duct tape my friend's boobs in the slutty construction costume picture above. She and I were far to drunk to do it.

Fred rocked a pimp suit last year. He is going as a kangaroo this year if I can get my act together in time.

A couple of years ago, I had no time to make a costume so I went with the old stand by of Zombie. I must say, applying Zombie make up is one of my all time favorite things to do.

This year I needed a costume that was small enough to fit in my carry-on as the party we went to was during our visit to Michigan and also cheap to counteract the gagillion dollar bar tabs I charged all week. We came up with Cheech and Chong. And it was friggen adorable. What is not adorable is that by the time we changed into our costumes (after spending 6 hours at a beer festival) we were too hammered to remember to take pictures. I am hopping some pop up on Facebook in the next few days but until then this is all I've got. My mustache you should note wound up on the ice luge approximately 30 minutes after I arrived at the party. 

The time I was left alone with a toddler

I'm gonna be real honest with you guys, yesterday was a bit of a rough one for me.

It was my first day back to work and back to reality after 8 blissfull, drunken days in my homeland of Detroit.

In addition to eating too much, enjoying every moment with old friends and my lunatic parents, and drinking my body weight in booze on multiple occasions, I was able to spend a ton of time with the most beautiful girl on the face of this planet.

Her name is Evie Mae, she is soon to be four, and is far cooler than anyone else I know.

One of the hardest parts of living far from home is that I really don't get much time with my niece and nephew. I mean my friends and family can text and facebook and shit so it's like we are still together. The babies have yet to grasp social media though so I sadly don't get much time with them.

I attempted to make up for some lost time while I was visiting the mitten state however and got to really enjoy the company of Miss Evie. We went to the zoo, got fro yo, hung out at my parent's house where I let her jump on my stomach repeatedly (while hungover), and even went to an art studio to make jewelry. In case you were wondering the cost of doing something like that is akin to buying real jewelry at Kay so weigh your options folks.

In addition to being gorgeous, Evie has quite the little personality. Some of my favorite moments with her were just the funny little comments she made.

After scoping her up from pre-school one morning my mom and I took her to Toys R Us to buy her a few of the lifelike animal statues she loves so much. She told us she needed a mother gorilla so we let her choose one. Once in the car she said, "I don't know if this is a mother, it doesn't have teets." As soon as she arrived back at my sister's house she said, "Mom this gorilla doesn't have a penis." We can thank her grandmother for teaching her that one. 

Right before our ice cream date Evie goes, "Will my mom get mad at me if I have ice cream?" To which I replied, "No, I asked her first." And she declared, "Well I was going to have it anyway."

During our car ride to the art studio she was telling me about some of her toy cars. She said she has one who is really mean and kills other cars. She said he is just like her best friend who is also mean. I asked my sister about this one, and it was confirmed Evie's BFF is a bit of a rascal. She talked more about her mean friend at the zoo when she asked me if peacocks bit. I said, "No not if you are nice to them." And she replied, "Well they would probably bite Cam then."

One evening during dinner at my parents, Evie assigned nicknames to me and my dad. He was Pepperpot and I was Pip.

The quote to end all quotes though, was the day I stopped by my sister's house to say a quick hello. When I tried to leave shortly after Evie informed me, "You have two choices, either you stay here or I throw a tantrum." Needless to say I stayed.

I pretty much miss my little boo like crazy, but she said she wants to fly out to see me soon. Not sure how safe it is for four year olds to fly alone, but I am going to keep on my sister about it. 

the weird shit I find on runs

One of the many benefits of my evening runs is the wonderful sights I see along the way.

I am truly enjoying my time to be one with nature, smell the flowers, bask in the crisp fall air, and gaze upon the sights of my small town such as:

-A teenage boy pissing on the side of the Super 8 motel, facing the highway, in daylight. I am not going to lie and say I have never peed outside of a hotel, but I try to do it out of the view of oncoming traffic...the back of the building may have been a better bet for this young man.

-The remains of someone's weave. I don't personally wear one so I am not sure how well these things stay in place, but whenever I see one on the road I assume it was ripped out in a fight.

-Condom wrappers. Were they sexing it up in the street? On the side of the road? I am all for being wild, but man oh man.

-A twenty dollar bill. This one made my damn night. Don't worry, I checked to make sure there was no one around who may have dropped it...the coast was clear so I snatched that puppy up and took manfriend out to dinner.

-A man clearly high on something fun boxing an imaginary opponent and yelling to thin air in the middle of a busy road. I steered clear to be honest...better he box thin air than me.

More like ice cream, but you get the picture

reasons Michigan is better...

It is really no question that Michigan is the best of all the states.

In case you are under the false impression that some other state is better, here is a list of reasons why you are sorely mistaken.

-It has a shit ton of lakes. Really big ones too. Some are cold, some are freezing, and some are just right.

-Coney Island. Not like the amusement park in New York, I am talking National Coney Island, American Coney Island, and Lafayette Coney Island. They are some of the finest restaurants in this world and all are exclusive to Michigan. If you think you don't like coney dogs, it is because you have never had one at these restaurants. Because trust me, everyone likes them. If you come to Michigan and are a vegetarian, you better cut it out for a day because these are a must try.

-There is beer for days. Michigan has more micro-breweries than Geico has commercials. There are some really amazing, award winning beers brewed here, and that my friends is pretty cool.  If you don't beleive me, try something from Shorts, Dark Horse, Bells, or Founders. You will change your tune real quick I promise.

-It's cheap. Not like a hooker, though you can find plenty of those in Detroit if that is your thing, but for reals the cost of living, drinking, dining out, and shopping is way lower than most places.

-Uncle Kenny lives in Michigan. No other state boasts a man with comments like these: 

-There is ethnic food galore! Having grown up in Detroit and being exposed to diverse food since I was a wee little baby, I really didn't realize not everyone ate that way. I mean, in the Detroit area every diner you go into has a full Greek menu, there is a Mexican town, pierogies are a staple, and my parents neighbors have been feeding me kibe and grape leaves since I could walk...it was a really hard adjustment to move to the culinary wasteland that is rural Maryland but I am doing my best.

-Madonna is from Michigan. You may not like her as a person, she does have a fake British accent afterall, but the bitch can sing. I could listen to Madonna all day everyday.

-These babies live in Michigan. They may not be quite as sassy as uncle Kenny yet, but he is one of their primary influences so it is only a matter of time really. Seriously though Evelyn Mae and Arthur John are cuter than any of us could ever hope to be, they even have better names than the rest of us.

(Don't worry, my sister assured me that is baby drool not piss next to little Arthur's head)

There are literally thousands of other reasons why Michigan is the best place I know, but I am too busy enjoying being here to write any more. 

Have you been to Michigan? If so, what is your favorite part??

things that chap my ass

Judging by the title of this post you might assume I am in a foul mood. You would be wrong...but then again you know what they say about assumptions.

I am in fact as happy as a pig in you know what. The reason I am so happy is because I am currently in the wonderful state of Michigan visiting my family, friends, and most importantly this guy:

If you are shocked I am posting from vacation, you should know I am actually writing this post well in advance (it is Friday afternoon as I type)...now that shit right there is shocking because I never ever write anything in advance on account of I'm just not that organized.

Being in a good mood however will not stop me from bringing you some grade A sass though, don't you worry.

So here you have it, a list of things that really chap my ass.

-Working on projects with asshats. I have always been more of an independent person when it comes to working on things that matter, but recently I found myself in a situation where I was forced to work on a project with someone that involves close to $200,000. That is a whole lot if you ask me, and guess...what this asshat in question has totally dropped the ball and just last week attempted to throw me under the bus on the matter. Lucky for me I save emails like a squirrel saves nuts, and it will hopefully all be resolved soon, but come on now.

-Running skirts. I am sorry if you happen to wear them but I really don't get it. They look silly and uncomfortable in my opinion. My yoga teacher wore one last week and I almost left the class. It's uncalled for if you ask me.

-The Boston Redsox. They have some cute players and all, but they have got to stop being so damn good.

-When people get in my way while I am shopping. During a recent Trader Joes trip, I am pretty sure everyone but me in the store had sampled some weed brownies, because every single person was in la la land and would not move their carts or bodies while I tried to shop. Even the employees were totally spaced out. I just want to get my organic whole wheat cous cous here people so get the frick outta my way....or at least share the brownies.

-The new no talking on cell phones while driving bull shit in Maryland. I hate driving. There are only two things I enjoy doing whilst driving and they are smoking cigarettes and talking on the phone. Now, I quit smoking like five years ago because I hear it is bad for you...but now the state is telling me I can talk on the phone? What gives? There are many occasions where I really need to gossip with my sister on a long car ride, or times when I need to place a carry out order at a specific time during my ride home from work to pick it up, or when I need to check with Jose to see what ingredients I need for dinner. Point is, my life involves a lot of food related emergencies that require cell phone usage. I can totally get on board with the no texting and driving thing, but I really don't see how talking on my phone impacts my driving. In fact if I am not talking on my phone I am probably talking to myself which is way more distracting. To say I am fired up about this is an understatement.

I am going to stop there before my good mood goes bad, but I hope you all have a glorious week. I plan to have a few posts for you during my trip, but I will be drinking more than the recommended amount most nights (and days) so I can't make any promises.

The most bangable men in baseball

While I may not be much of a sports fan, I do love to watch cute men play baseball.

So, in honor of the post season, I wanted to share some photos of my favorite boys in town.

-Justin Verlander. The Tigers are hands down the best team in all the land, and pretty much all their players are sexy or at least guys you want to hang out with, but old JV is just a stone cold fox. He also loves Taco Bell. That is a pretty good trait in a man if you ask me.

-The Orioles are the second best team in the land partially because they have so many studly players. J.J. Hardy is one such stud. So, so cute.

-Sergio Romo. This guy pretty much ruined my life when the Giants won the World Series last year, but I couldn't even get that mad because he is just too damn good looking. I really felt like a star crossed lover as I watched him pitch last post season...he was from the wrong team, but my god did I like to watch him.

-Stephen Drew. Once again, I should hate this guy, but look at his face. I mean I am only human. I try to hate the beards and not fear them, but some of them are pretty appealing.

-Mad Max. To be honest, he looks sort of goofy in most of his photos, but as someone whos dream man is Jason Segel, I guess I like them a little goofy. Plus, just watch one interview with him and you will fall in love. See, I'm not that shallow after all.

anarchy is the answer for this country

Well maybe not, but I do really like punk rock so there are worse ideas right?

Anyway, I am really glad the government is going to re-open. Even though I think the government sucks pretty bad, (both sides guys, I am not getting into it on the blog...don't you worry) I am still glad this stupid shut down is over.

Living as close to DC as I do, it seems that pretty much everyone I associate with was affected by the shut down in some way. And if there is one thing that pisses me off it is when the ones I love are not happy. Don't mess with Texas my ass, don't mess with my people is how the saying should go.

I can think of a whole bunch of shit that should have shut down instead of the government...

-My work! I still had to report to work everyday. I would have gladly sacrificed my museum closing instead of the government. I am not really a big fan of working to be honest. And I could have let manfriend pay the bills for 16ish days. It would have been ok.

-Burger King. Even with as healthy as I have become I still have a weak spot for soft serve. Did you know that BK was dishing up cones for 53 cents??? You read that right 53 cents! And that is with tax...I may or may not have consumed about 438 of those bad lads in the past few months. If they would have been closed the temptation would not have been there and I would have saved lots of quarters. Oh and by the way...those cones are no longer 53 cents...I blame the government. I went last night and was charged $1.06. I only had 53 cents with me so had to debit card it. I told the boyfriend and he judged me.

-Walmart. I can't stand it. It can close for good for all I care. I had to go the other day because I wanted to buy birthday flowers for a coworker and it was the only store open around these parts at 7am. I was instantly reminded why I never go there. It is horrible.

-Halloween stores. All of them. Don't get me wrong, I love Halloween like no freakin other, but have you set foot in a Spirit store recently? If not, save yourself the trip they are terrible. I went in last night to get the last piece of my costume pie and it was sooo dirty. The floor had clearly not been mopped since last Halloween and all the costumes were super low quality and insanely expensive. I have always been a DIY costume person myself, but I know some people don't have the time and this place just did not impress me.

-Target. I would be infinitely richer is Target would just shut down. I am pretty sure the cashiers all know me by name at this point. I think there is some sort of a magnet in Target stores that just draws me to them. I seriously go there like three times a week. It has got to stop.

-Wawa. I know I can easily brew coffee at my own house, but I have yet to find a cup of coffee anywhere in this country that rivals WaWa's Kona blend with a splash of cream. I read all these articles about how not buying coffee is the easiest way to save money...yet almost every morning, I do it.

That is pretty much all I can think of right now and since #1 didn't happen I have got to get back to it.

What do you wish would have shut down in lieu of the government?