Some might say I am insensitive, but I like to think I am simply a glass half full kinda gal.
I mean don't get me wrong I cry like a baby during most rom coms, and those damn Sara McLachlan Humane Society commercials ruin my entire day, but other than that I am a pretty happy camper.
There are a handful of things that put me down in the dumps however including the fact that my dog is a shitty running partner (WFT Fred), and the reality that I don't have a granpda. Old men are among my top favorite things in the whole wide world because they are crotchety and adorable just like me. It is really unfair if you ask me that my grandpas both passed away when I was relatively young. No one appreciates a grandpa more than me, so it's just bullshit that i don't have one really.
I decided the only way to right this wrong was for me to select a grandfather to replace mine that are both up in heaven drinkin' booze with my grandmas. No for real, they are...my grandparents were all wild. Shocker I know.
I thought long and hard about who should be my dear old gramps. My first thought was none other than the grandpa from the movie Little Miss Sunshine. I mean this guy and I would get along great. He could advise me to "Fu*k a lot of men" and teach me to do a mean dance routine to the song Superfreak, but the more I pondered I decided there was a good chance this man would get me hooked on hard drugs and ain't nobody got time for that.
Then it hit me! The man I most want to be my grandpa is the one and only Arthur Spooner. He is the perfect candidate. My real life grandpa's name was Arthur so I would not get confused, and he is just the best human on the face of TV.
I love Spooner because he tells it like it is, and isn't afraid to insult people.
He lives in a basement, and mooches off his children. What I wouldn't give to learn how to mooch. Arthur also is a savy gambler. He once conned a friend into giving him football predictions by pretending to be a shoulder to cry on. He also got into some hot water with a loan shark forcing him to give away his daughter's $5,000 massage chair. She was a bitch though so she deserved it.
Arthur is very physically fit and even goes on weekly strolls with a dog walker.
He is constantly getting into trouble and saying crazy ass shit. We have a lot in common that Spooner and I.
Some of my favorite lines include:
Arthur Spooner: Shame on you, Carrie. I've pushed tons of people down the stairs, but damn it, I always own up to it.
Arthur Spooner: What? Three people can't play golf together? It's not sex, for God's sake!
Arthur Spooner: You're not throwing out these rubber bands, are you?
Carrie Heffernan: They're all broken, dad.
Arthur Spooner: So? You tie the ends together and they're as good as new, Mrs. Rockefeller.
Arthur Spooner: You're painted like a whore and you're smoking cigarettes. The whore part I'm used to, but the smoking'll kill you!
I just love him! Now to figure out how to go about making this adoption thing happen.
Who would you choose for your TV grandad?? Don't say Spooner he's mine bitches.
12 comments:
OMG king of queens was THE BEST show! did you see the episode where carrie and doug babysat deacon's kids and gave them coffee? to get them back, they babysat arthur and gave him hot sauce? LOLOLOL when arthur asked deacon: "what does caliente mean?" and deacon says "it means delicious" so he poured it on..and then arthur was moaning/screaming the whole night from his upset stomach HAHAHAHAHAAH best.
arthur would make the best grandpa.
-kathy
Vodka and Soda
Hah this is such a funny post!! I have no idea who I would pick! LORD! .....still no idea!
You are crotchety and adorable! Love you!
Love King of Queens- I would say that would be the best grandfather for you, too!
I think Little Miss Sunshine's grandpa would teach us all a thing or two!!!
I need to go find me a replacement grandpa, stat. My grandpa used to hide liquor in the garage, so my grandma wouldn't know he was drinking. It's gonna be hard to top that.
Haha he would be perfect for you!
I don't have a grandpa either! Sad life. I think Spooner would definitely be a good substitute. His last name alone is amazing.
i don't have a grandpa wither - on my side or michael's but I love this. I'm going to make them my gpa too.
Let me know when the adoption is complete, because totally I want to come over and hang out in your basement with your new grandpa.
I have never thought of who would it be if I had to replace mine. Don't get me wrong I love my grandfather to bits, but he def. doesnt have that spunk that Spooner does, ha.
Not sure who would be a good grandfather type of person. I think if I had to choose it would be the dad from Juno since he was sort of a grandfather, lol.
Aww haha we can share my grandpa! He doesn't talk much, he is more of an observer, but when he does say something it's always worth the wait hahaha! Also he has this cool trick of popping out his two front teeth, cause he lost them in a skating accident. And he has one eye that's all crazy and deformed from ... wait for it... a bb gun accident!! He shot is eye out!!! Coolest grandpa ever??
"...because they are crotchety and adorable just like me." This might be the best line I've ever come across in blogland. Hahahaha
Both my grandfathers passed before I was born so I didn't have one growing up but the one from Ray Romano's show was hilarious!
WAIT - are you making this a thing? because i want in on this.
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