good old fall

As promised, here are a few reasons I am looking forward to the best season ever coming to an end.

-Fall clothes! Everyone looks great in sweaters and tall boots and I cannot wait to buy a bunch of both.

-Scarves. I just get too hot to rock the summer scarf but I love scarves like a fat kid loves cake. I have about 78,095 but you can never really have enough.

-Jack Daniels tastes real good in apple cider. Real good!

-Running will be less shitty. I actually don't hate running in the heat that much, but a cool crisp air is definitely much more enjoyable.

-Halloween is just around the corner. And that is friggen fantastic.

-Christmas will be in the air before we know it. Christmas is the best in the west, and I relish in the entire holiday season every year. Luckily for elves like me the stores like to start stocking the holiday shit earlier and earlier every year.

-Hoodies. Hoodies are the most comfortable article of clothing on the GD planet and I live in them when I'm bumming around the house in the cooler months.

What makes you glad summer is ending? And don't say pumpkin flavored shit, gross.

And now in lieu of it being almost over here is a little diddy about the best season:

Just a few more days...

I gotta admit I am a little sad that summer is almost over.

I love the damn summer so much. It is hands down the best of the seasons, though they all have their perks.

2013 has been one of my best summers. Not as good as the one I got to spend tromping around Europe and not having a job, but probably a close second. I did so much cool shit this summer, and made it on eight road trips...eight, my god no wonder I am so poor. Number nine is coming up this weekend and in addition to all the miles we traveled, Uncle Kenny came out to Maryland for a wild visit making this a badass summer.

I could not have asked for more. Some how I managed to fit all those trips and countless local activities in while also working three weekends in June. I was a busy bee, and that is how I like it.

I thought a good list was in order of all the reasons I am bummed the summer is coming to a close. In true optimist style it will soon be followed by a list of reasons I am glad summer is ending.

Without further ado....

-I won't feel like a lizard when I step outside. I love the hot hot sun beating down on my skin. It feels so good to me, even though I burn after about 28 seconds. #ILoveSunscreen.

-I can't wear a sundress everyday. People at work are always like, "Oh you look so pretty today in your dress." The truth of the matter is I would just rather not wear pants.

-It won't stay light out until 9pm. Something about the days getting shorter makes me tired at first. I get used to it eventually, but the other night as I was leaving yoga and the sky was dark it made me a little sad.

-Flip flops aren't appropriate for work anymore. I f-ing hate shoes. I am not thrilled about trading in the flops for real shoes...not thrilled at all.

-Day drinking isn't quite as acceptable anymore. For some reason people aren't too judgy about drinking poolside or at a BBQ, but if you spend all day in the bar in January you are suddenly a drunk.

-I can't walk outside in my jammies or robe to let Fred outside. I probably shouldn't do this anyway, but it is nice to not need to put on a lame coat and shoes when he does his biznaz.

-The pool will close. I love the pool at my apartment. It is my personal oasis and favorite spot to sip wine. I will miss it so.

-We can't cook every meal on the grill. Don't get me wrong I will make Jose light that thing up until it is just too cold to stand it, but it likely won't be every night...bye bye delicious grilled veggies.

-My skin will return to its natural shade of Casper the Ghost. Not that I ever get tan per se, but I am a nice light gold at the moment...it is fading as we speak.

What will you miss most about the summer??

day late, dollar short.

So I finally watched the infamous Miley Cyrus video. I know, way to finally get with the program, what can I say I'm a late bloomer.

To be honest, I am not really sure what all the fuss was about. I mean, I have seen girls dress and dance sluttier in a Buffalo Wild Wings, so I wasn't overly shocked by the number.

I agree she really needed to put the tongue back in her mouth, the hair was whack, and the foam finger was pretty graphic...but I guess when you are dancing with someone who is dressed like Beetlejuice wearing a slutty referee costume from Walmart you kind of need to pretend your foam finger is a penis and thrust it a few times. I mean I don't know, I was just glad she took off that bear suit.

I will admit, I did not watch the VMA's. I actually haven't watched much MTV at all since TRL and Road Rules were still a thing. I did switch over to the awards during the commercial break of Cutthroat Kitchen however and got to watch NSYNC perform.

I left it on for Justin's set because I would like to do dirty things to him, if Miley will loan me that foam finger. After that I went back to the food channel and all the information I know about the VMA's is courtesy of Facebook, Fashion Police, and a little YouTube action.

The thing I find more shocking than Miley is the fact that the VMA's are even still around. The last time I checked the only shows on MTV are Catfish and Teen Mom. They never play music videos, so how can they have Video Music Awards? Perhaps next year Reality TV Awards would be a better bet and that crazy white woman from Real Housewives could be the host.

Did I miss anything else awesome or terrible on Sunday? If you leave a convincing comment maybe I will YouTube it, maybe.

the dog days aren't over

So, the extent to which I treat my dog Fred like he is a human child has always been ridiculous, but lately it is just getting out of damn control.

I love my big brown dog, but I am starting to feel like the older and wiser he gets, the more he is starting to rule the roost. What is it about teenagers that give them this uncanny ability to manipulate their parents? Fred has it down to a science I tell you.

Case in point:

The car. My dog weighs 99 pounds. That is essentially the same size as Clifford. And while as a parent I am just thrilled that he exudes the confidence and self esteem of a chihuahua, the truth of the matter is the boy is big. He really doesn't realize and finds it necessary to sit on my lap at all times, even in the car.

I have a hard time saying no because he is just such a mama's boy but I am pretty sure having a large dog in the front seat of a vehicle is only slightly less dangerous than texting and driving. And if my mom ever taught me anything it is, "Erin, don't text, drink, and drive." True story, that is a thing she said, not or...and. Chew on that.

Fred frequently shifts the car from drive to neutral while he is riding shotty and on many occasions has clawed the passenger and/or driver essentially to death with his nails when he decides to readjust.

Exhibit B:

All my damn money. Fred is bleeding me dry. As I have mentioned this girl right hurr recently went on the envelope budget method. This means I get a certain amount of walking around money to spend each month and when it's gone it's gone. As someone who may be described as a bit of a spend thrift, that means without fail by the end of the month my spending cash is long gone. Last weekend I spent my last $10 for entrance to the goddamn dog beach. Last time I checked, I am the one who goes to work 5 days a week to put Purina on the table, so why on Earth am I spending the last of my loot on a beach day for him?? Think of the shit I could have bought at Target with that money!

Lastly:

Vacations. We have always liked to travel with Fred. He is good in the car when he decides to go in the back seat, he is fine in a hotel, loves to camp all that jazz. So if we can bring him along we usually do. Next weekend is taking the cake though, as we made Labor Day plans to attend a music festival 6 hours away just because dogs are allowed. Dogs are rarely allowed at festivals and when we discovered this one did our minds were made up. Granted we had already been contemplating going, but I bet my ass we would have found something closer if it wasn't for the deal breaker.

As you can probably imagine I am super excited about Fred's first festival. He is going to love it and being as handsome as he is, will no doubt receive tons of attention. I have selected a few snazzy new bandannas for him to sport and since the festival grounds are on a river I have hooked his ass up.

We read on the website of the festival that the river in question is perfect for tubing. If you have never been tubing it includes laying on a flotation device and drinking copious amounts of alcohol all while getting a great tan. It is sheer perfection. When we saw this was an option at the festival man friend was all, "ohh too bad we will have the dog so we can't tube." and I was all, "aww hell no, I'm buying him a tube."

And that I did. Fred now has a heavy duty inner tube covered in nylon. You know the type that you can pull behind a boat for the even more awesome type of tubing? Yeah that kind. It was really cheap too, JK. So next weekend, Fred will be floating in style while man friend and I slum it on our $9 Kmart tubes. But we will be way drunker than Fred so it's all fair in the end.

the case of the over-sharer

This weekend I decided to try something a little different and be a nice person and boy did it ever bite me in the ass.

Picture this, Friday evening...8:30pm. I had a great day at the office because it was team building day so we just played various games all day and did art projects. To top it off we enjoyed a potluck lunch (I love a good potluck) and all left work early to do a wine tasting together.

So needless to say when I left the winery at 5pm I was feelin' fine. I headed my tipsy butt to the old gym and did a good 1.5 hours of cardio then went home and felt not one iota of guilt when I made pasta for the manfriend and I.

Now the plan all week was for me to curl my hair and put on a dress so Jose could parade me around to some of the nicer bars in our tiny little town. I was looking forward to it as you can imagine anyone who loves dresses and wine would be.

I cleaned up our dishes and stepped outside to let Fred the dog do his business.

As I am out there my neighbors call me over.

These neighbors have lived across from us for about 6 months now. It is a man and his wife, their baby and his brother who all live together. We do not know them well but they are very nice. We always say hello, how ya doin, all that shit.

They have even been so kind as to let little Fred out for us a time or two.

Anywho, they ask me what Jose and I have on the agenda for the evening, to which I reply, "we are going to have a few drinks at a bar."

They do not like this answer and literally beg me to stay in and have drinks with them on the patio instead because it is the brothers last night in town and they can't go out because of the baby.

I run it by manfriend and he agrees. They are really nice and the brother is moving the next day, it is the least we can do.

Big f-ing mistake.

Within ten minutes of interaction, I am told all about brother #1's recent surgery....on his testicles.

I have never heard the word testicle uttered by a stranger so many times in such a short period of time.

I learned brother #2 had only moved in with brother #1 and wife so he could get clean, legend has it he has a nasty little pill habit.

Brother #1 gave us the whole story of his high school glory days referring to himself as quite a "stud". In my experience if you refer to yourself as a stud, you are anything but.

Between the brothers and the wife I come to discover there are a combined 4 or 5 baby mamas and daddys. They are all in their early 20s with more babies than I have shoes.

Brother #1's wife slept with Brother #2 before Brother #1 married her.

Brother #1 also made mention of the fact that he once slept with 17 women in a week, right in front of his wife/baby mama...She did not seem bothered by the statement.

The icing on the cake however was when Brother #1 told us he was supposed to perform in the Olympics for archery, but decided against it because he didn't want to spend that much time away from his girlfriend at the time. At that point I actually started laughing out loud...and Jose had to cover and say I just was loopy from the wine.

I really wish I could just go back to the days when we all just said hi and bye to each other. Now we have all shared this awkward evening and I am dreading the day when they ask me for my number or try to get me to babysit or something.

Should have went on that date instead.

call me little deen

Have you ever seen the show on Food Network hosted by Paula Deen's son Bobby? If not, you aren't really missing anything, I just happen to spend about 4 hours a day watching cooking shows so I have seen them all.

This one is called "Not My Mama's Meals" and basically little Bobby takes old Paula's recipes and uses like five sticks of butter instead of ten. From time to time he even uses some low fat mayo or skips the cheese on a dish.

I am a pretty healthy eater. I would say about 80% of the time I eat vegetarian and unless I am real wasted all the food I put into my temple of a body is organic and non-processed. That is not to say I do not adore some processed food, I happen to think Taco Bell is amazing thank you very much, I just feel like shit when I eat like shit, so I don't.

At least once a week though I like to channel my inner Bobby Deen and take a not so healthy recipe and turn it good, or at least not so bad. This is usually a result of manfriend insisting he wants to eat some meat and is sick of kale, eggplant, and quinoa which are my staples.

I am much like little Bobby, aside from the facts that I am not Southern in the least and I would bet money my mom has never said the nasty "N" word. Other than that though, we are just alike.

If Pinterest isn't lying to me, there are many of you out there who love a good unhealthy meal and want to skinny it up a bit so today I will share a few of my recent successes.

The first is Chicken Nuggets and Fries.

Chicken nuggets in my mind are one of the most delicious foods. To start they are the perfect vehicle for sauces including the heavenly ranch dressing. I really enjoy them from two of the finer fast food establishments: Wendy's and McDonalds. I have to be pretty hungover or drunk to eat anything from either of those places so last night I took matters into my own hands and made super simple chicken nuggets and carrot fries.

Nuggets and Fries

You will need:

Boneless skinless chicken breast
Organic panko breading
Chili powder, Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, paprika
Olive oil
Carrots

Directions:

Chicken:
-Preheat oven to 350
-Pour a generous amount of panko onto a plate and mix with chili powder, Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, and paprika.
-Cut chicken breast into nugget shaped pieces and coat in panko mixture.
-Place breaded nuggets onto a sheet pan that has been coated with a bit of oil to prevent sticking.
-Bake nuggets flipping once for about 30 minutes or until breading is crisp brown.

Fries:
-Peel carrots and slice into thin fry like strips.
-Coat with a little bit of olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper.
-Place on a sheet pan and bake at 350 for 30 minutes stirring occasionally or until crispy.

I shit you not carrot fried taste exactly like sweet potato fries.

Next up, Mac and Cheese. Because really, who doesn't love Mac and Cheese.

Quinoa Mac and Cheese

You will need:

1 cup Quinoa
Shredded Parmesan and mozzarella cheese
Mustard
Cayenne pepper
Coconut milk (like the kind from the carton not the can) you could also use regular milk, soy, or almond milk
Butter
Flour

Directions:

-Cook quinoa according to package directions, it is basically just like cooking rice you use twice as much water as quinoa and bring to a boil then simmer for 20-30 min but you must rinse the quinoa well before cooking.
-In a sauce pan melt a small slice of butter (maybe a tbs or so, you should know by now I don't really measure). Whisk a few pinches of flour into the melting butter to form a paste.
-Once you have a paste, stir in a 1/2 cup or so of coconut milk. Season with mustard and cayenne pepper.
-When the liquid is at a nice simmer start stirring in your cheese. Now the beauty of this recipe over regular mac and cheese is the sauce is so nice and rich and creamy already you hardly need any cheese. I only used maybe 1/4 cup of cheese. If you have ever watched someone make a regular batch of the stuff you know the amount of cheese involved is obscene. Delicious but obscene.
-Once the cheese is incorporated just stir in your quinoa and enjoy.

This was hand to God amazing. Jose and I ate way more than our fair share it is so good. You can adjust the seasonings to your taste, I might do some fresh garlic next time...but whatever you do make this shit.

My Grandpa

There are not many things in life that make me sad.

Some might say I am insensitive, but I like to think I am simply a glass half full kinda gal.

I mean don't get me wrong I cry like a baby during most rom coms, and those damn Sara McLachlan Humane Society commercials ruin my entire day, but other than that I am a pretty happy camper.

 There are a handful of things that put me down in the dumps however including the fact that my dog is a shitty running partner (WFT Fred), and the reality that I don't have a granpda. Old men are among my top favorite things in the whole wide world because they are crotchety and adorable just like me. It is really unfair if you ask me that my grandpas both passed away when I was relatively young. No one appreciates a grandpa more than me, so it's just bullshit that i don't have one really.

I decided the only way to right this wrong was for me to select a grandfather to replace mine that are both up in heaven drinkin' booze with my grandmas. No for real, they are...my grandparents were all wild. Shocker I know.

I thought long and hard about who should be my dear old gramps. My first thought was none other than the grandpa from the movie Little Miss Sunshine. I mean this guy and I would get along great. He could advise me to "Fu*k a lot of men" and teach me to do a mean dance routine to the song Superfreak, but the more I pondered I decided there was a good chance this man would get me hooked on hard drugs and ain't nobody got time for that.

Then it hit me! The man I most want to be my grandpa is the one and only Arthur Spooner. He is the perfect candidate. My real life grandpa's name was Arthur so I would not get confused, and he is just the best human on the face of TV.

 I love Spooner because he tells it like it is, and isn't afraid to insult people.

He lives in a basement, and mooches off his children. What I wouldn't give to learn how to mooch. Arthur also is a savy gambler. He once conned a friend into giving him football predictions by pretending to be a shoulder to cry on. He also got into some hot water with a loan shark forcing him to give away his daughter's $5,000 massage chair. She was a bitch though so she deserved it.

Arthur is very physically fit and even goes on weekly strolls with a dog walker.

He is constantly getting into trouble and saying crazy ass shit. We have a lot in common that Spooner and I. 

Some of my favorite lines include:

Arthur Spooner: Shame on you, Carrie. I've pushed tons of people down the stairs, but damn it, I always own up to it. 

Arthur Spooner: What? Three people can't play golf together? It's not sex, for God's sake! 

Arthur Spooner: You're not throwing out these rubber bands, are you? 
Carrie Heffernan: They're all broken, dad. 
Arthur Spooner: So? You tie the ends together and they're as good as new, Mrs. Rockefeller. 

Arthur Spooner: You're painted like a whore and you're smoking cigarettes. The whore part I'm used to, but the smoking'll kill you! 

I just love him! Now to figure out how to go about making this adoption thing happen.

Who would you choose for your TV grandad?? Don't say Spooner he's mine bitches.

Lessons Learned

I like to think I am a pretty intelligent person. I mean I have a Master's degree and I make slightly more than minimum wage so clearly I am doing something right, but I am ashamed to admit when it comes to some subjects I am just completely ignorant.

One such subject is the wild world of crystal meth. I am embarrassed to say I don't know the first thing about how to make, sell, smoke, snort (or however you do it), or frankly even where to buy it should I want to try the stuff. Crazy right? It's just something I never gave much thought to I guess. Luckily a show has swept the nation, and is educating me and everyone else who watches Breaking Bad on the topic. I still have lots to learn before I can cook up my own batch, but I really feel blessed to have gained so much knowledge from the show...and you can too.

1. Every recreational vehicle on the road is potentially a mobile meth lab. Just because that elderly couple you see driving down the interstate looks sweet and innocent, there is a real good chance it is just a front. More likely than not they are cooking up a big ass batch of meth in the back of that RV.

2. When trying to poison someone don't keep the poison in with your own cigs. Look at how much freakin trouble that cancer stick caused. I mean sick kids, dead drug lords...no good, no good at all. Keep the poison in a bottle with a skull and crossbones on it like they did in the old days. It's the only way.

3. Do not fuck with anyone named Walter. Walter White, Walter from the Burbs, Walter Cronkite, Walter Matthau. You get the picture. All totally bad ass.

4. Never trust your teachers. Particularly sciences teachers, but all of them really. Anyone who willing chooses to spend eight hours a day with twenty children they did not birth likely has some issues.

5. When your dad is up to no good, you can get him to buy you lots of cool shit. Affairs, drug scandals, etc.. if his conscious is guilty you can totally score a sweet car and heightened allowance.

6. You never know what secrets your family members are hiding. And most likely it's the ones who seem nerdy that have the most skeletons in their closet, so tread lightly.

7. Car washes are shady.

8. Super smart people are dangerous. Every single time it seems like Walt and Jesse are done for, Walt comes up with some genius scheme to save their asses. Lilly of the valley, the nursing home, working for the enemy, you name it he manages to cheat death and lock down. He also has more money hidden in the walls of his house than the rest of us will see in our lives. Well played Walt, well played.

9. Filling your bath tub with chemicals is not a good idea. Not a good idea and messy to boot. Not to mention what that can do to resale value.

10. Someone with multiple cell phones probably sells drugs. It's a "business" phone, sure. Sure it is. A meth business phone.

The Worst Places to Pick up Men

Yesterday I spilled the beans and told you all the places where I used to meet the men when I was single. Well today i am here to share the flip side of that coin and tell you where not to go...If any of you ladies out there have had luck in these locations I stand corrected, or maybe your relationship is doomed. It's too soon to tell.

-An AA meeting. Who wants a quitter? And I think we all know dating a man that doesn't drink is no fun. It's nice to have a DD and all, but that's what cabs are for.

-The gym. Unless you are one of those assholes who looks pretty while she works out. I am not. I look like a red faced rat after sixty minutes of cardio and the men are not going to love that.

-The salon. I like to get my hair did. I also like the fact that my boyfriend does not care about getting his did. I mean he cuts it and all, but for me the metrosexual phase went out of style in the 90s. I like a more rugged man.

-Your bestfriend's family reunion/party/gathering. I have dated a few brothers of friends in my day. It has never ever ended well. Don't go there. Brothers of ex-friends is perfectly acceptable.

-Speaking of family, don't meet a man at your own family party/reunion/gathering. He may be a distant cousin. This ain't honey boo boo land, we don't want that.

And there you have it. The five best and worst places to meet you a man. Now go getum tiger.

the best places to scam on dudes

As most of you well know I have a live-in servant I call my boyfriend these days, but once upon a time I was quite the avid dater. Some might have used a more colorful vocabulary word to describe me, but seeing as this is my blog, I will stick with avid dater.

Since I met a lot of eligible bachelors while I was unattached, I figured it is only fair I share some of the wisdom I gained during that time with my single readers.

(Please note the views expressed in this list are based on my experience and they may not be true for everyone. I am usually right though, so you should probably just hold this all as gospel.)

-The dog park. I used to borrow my roommate's dog on a regular basis to meet cute boys at the dog park back in college. You know someone is a good person if they love dogs.

-Home Depot. Holy moly, there are always some fine ass men in the Home Depot. You will also find many less desirable middle-aged men, but they will all hit on you so it is a confidence boost regardless.

-The bar, I don't know who came up with the idea that meeting men in bars is a bad idea, but I am living proof that it is in fact a great idea. I met Jose in a bar and we have been happily unmarried for three years now. Also, if you like to drink you better be sure the guy you are dating likes to drink to so the bar is a great way to meet someone with similar interests.

-Parties. Chances are if a guy is friends with someone you are friends with he is a decent person. Parties are quite possibly the best place to meet a man.

-Work. While i would not advise dating a co-worker as it can get messy, meeting customers or people you interact with from time to time can be a great way to meet a man. Particularly if you are a bartender. I met a lot of good guys back in my drink slingin days. You get to see how they act drunk while you are sober, if they are a dick you will find out real fast.

Since work, dogs, bars, and parties constitute about 98% of my life I never really explored any other man meeting options, but stay tuned for a list of the worst places to meet a man coming to a blog near you very very soon.

watermelon style

If it really is true when they say, "you are what you eat," then there is a very good chance I will be turing into a watermelon any day now.

To be honest I am perfectly ok with that because I think green and pink are pretty cute colors so it could be a lot worse.

For reals though I have been eating the shit out of watermelon lately. I just love it. I even feed it to Fred the dog who eats it off the rind like the human he is, he also eats corn on the cob like a pro.

In addition to your plane jane watermelon, I recently created a bomb ass watermelon salad. It taste a bit like a mojito so you know I loved it.

It was a hit with most of my friends, though admittedly not everyone liked it. Here is the recipe in case you want to impress people with your mad fruit skills anytime soon. And I even measured for ya'll this time so be impressed. I never ever measure.

Watermelon Salad

You will need:

4-5 cups of cubed watermelon
2 cups arugula
5ish sprigs of fresh mint
3 Tbs. feta cheese
1 lime
1/3 of an onion
3 Tbs. olive oil
3 Tbs. vinegar
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

-Chop watermelon into bite sized cubes and add it to a bowl with your arugula. Finely chop 4-5 sprigs of mint and add it to the bowl along with some feta cheese. (I just used a bit because I was trying to keep it low cal, but I imagine it would be more delicious the more cheese you use)

-In a separate bowl combine the zest and juice of one lime (I zested the whole damn thing) with 3tbs. of olive oil, 3tbs. of vinegar, and a few shakes of salt and pepper.

-Mix the dressing well (I used my sexy little hand mixer but a whisk would do). Add the thinly sliced onion to the dressing and let it sit for 20 min or more.

-Dress the salad right before serving.

In addition to being quite delightful to eat, the salad is pretty. Like possibly even prettier than the chef who made it. I am sorry I forgot to snap a pic of the finished project but I can assure you it was gorgeous.

You don't know Oprah???????

Word on the streets is that everyone's home girl Oprah ran into a grade A bitch recently.

Allegedly O was out doing a little shopping when she spotted a purse she liked, asked the clerk to see it, and was informed it was too expensive for her. Like for reals, read about it here. 

Now this purse cost a cool $38,000. I am no mathematician but I am pretty sure someone who can afford to give a car to 100+ strangers while taping her talk show thinks of that as chump change.

I know Oprah has been out of the spotlight for a few years now but for crying out loud the woman has her own network, how does one not recognize her? Talk about having some egg on your face. I have a feeling that cashier is feeling dumber than those losers in pretty woman who refused to help the lovable hooker Julia Roberts back in the 90s.

Have you ever been treated like a broke ass by a sales person? I sure have. But I guess now it will sound better to say I was treated like Oprah.

For me it happened when I bought my car a few years ago.

To be honest the whole car buying process drove me to drink, because I have no clue about mechanics and the cost of a car was and still is about 10 times the amount I had ever spent on anything in my life. 

I remember looking at various cars online and deciding which was the cutest. I then set a price point in my head, and started to look. I swear to Santa every car salesman in the Metro-Detroit area treated me like a snot nosed kid. Which is cray cray because at the time I bought my car I was not only working a 9-5 but also waitressing 5 nights a week at the Melting Pot. If you have ever dined there you know that shit is expensive so you can imagine I was bringing home a pretty penny in tips. 

The worst experience of all happened at a Dodge dealership, my trusty Grand Am was on her last leg and I was ready to make a deal. The sales guy completely ignored me and get this when I asked to take a test drive said he was too busy at that moment so I would need to make an appointment.

I was pissed. I got in my dying car and drove to my parent's house because that is what a grown ass woman does when she can't stop crying. No matter how old we get, if someone hurts our feelings my dad will kill them. He was fuming when I told him my tragic tale and left the dealership some swear word filled messages. Needless to say they hounded me on the phone with apologies for weeks.

More needless to say I did not purchase a vehicle from those jerks. I wound up finding a car lot with some really nice salesmen who let me test drive whatever I wanted, explained things to me, and I ended up buying a sweet ass Scion for about double what I was planning to spend. Isn't that the way it works with cars though, you have a price in mind and then keep stretching and stretching it...or is that just me? I imagine I will be as irresponsible with my money when I eventually buy a house too. Guess that dealership shouldda been a little nicer to me or they could have swindled me out of all my money like the Scion dudes did. It's called commission boys.

Moral of this story, don't be a dick to people. Just because someone is old, young, black, white, ugly, slutty, or whatever else they are does not mean they are not richer than shit. You don't want to screw yourself out of a sweet little commission sales people, so be nice! This goes for non-sales people as well, you never know what role someone may wind up playing in your life so be nice.

Especially to Oprah.

this is so high school

the glory days

I'm going to be honest, sometimes I miss college real bad. And by sometimes I mean most of the time.

Believe it or not I was a bit of a wild one back in my college days. I could drink with the best of um yet still managed to pull off mediocre grades.

One thing I was not in college was poor. I know there is the old cliche of the broke college student, but I was never one of them. For one thing I worked at a bar where my boobs helped me to earn a pretty penny and for second I didn't waste money on silly things like food or text books. That way I had all the cash I needed to drink every night and take lavish trips.

The college book store is one of the biggest money pits of all the money pits. Future college students, you will be AMAZED and how GD much they charge for books you don't even want to read to begin with. Not knowing any better I spent a small fortune my first semester of college on all the required books for my classes.

By my second semester I was older and wiser and I went on Amazon to buy the books I needed. Most of them were like half the price of the college store. The only issue was Amazon did not carry every book I needed and there was also the issue of remembering to sell them back at the end of the semester. Now ain't nobody got time for all that, there are drinks to be drank in the summer for crying out loud.

So when I was contacted by the company Campus Book Rentals about their newest program Rent Back which is a website allowing students to rent textbooks from other students or to other students I was a little pissed. Not because I am jealous they didn't have this service when I was in school (though I am), but honestly because I wish I had started this company. What a freakin great idea.

I love a good bargain and I am also a hippie who hates waste and loves when things are reused so this idea is pure brilliance in my book. The kicker, a portion of all the book rentals goes to Operation Smile which helps kids in need have surgeries to repair their smiles, I mean come on...I just can't. What a worthy cause.

So if you are about to go back to school #1 you are lucky and enjoy college (aka the happiest place on Earth) and #2 make sure you check out Campus Book Rentals, it might save you some serious cash that you can use for keg parties and jean skirts. Because lord knows college girls love the jean skirts.

And just in case you aren't sold yet here are a few more fun facts about the Rent Back program:

-Renting text books saves you up to 40-90% off of bookstore prices.
-The Rent Back Program offers free shipping both ways.
-Renters can highlight in the text books.
-Flexible rental periods are available.

*This is a sponsored post, but I do not endorse any product or service I would not personally use.

the thing about boobs...

So apparently there is a little bit of uproar recently about this baby mama who was asked not to let her little one have some good old boobie milk on a plane. There was a protest about it and all that jazz and people are real worked up. Here is a story if you want to read the details. 

Now, I have never had a child nor to I intend to have one so I am no expert on this matter. I am sure the boob juice is real good for babies and as you all know I am super into natural and organic shit so if for some god forsaken reason I were to be impregnated there is a good chance I would go this route, but at this point in my life it grosses me out pretty bad. My sister tried to pull the feeding crap in front of me once and I nearly tossed my cookies. I didn't look at my niece the same for weeks, she is off the tit now so we are friends again, but still. It is not something I want to see or hear, but then again a kids gotta eat ya know.

I mean I get sassy as all hell well I am hungry so a crabby ass kid on a plane ride is not something I want to be seated next too. Nor is a naked boob (unless it's a really nice one). I think the real solution is to just ban children from planes all together. Then no ones right to breast feed is revoked, and people that think babies are weird don't have to be exposed to them. This law will not apply to my niece and nephew of course because they are freaking adorable and I wish they were on a plane right this very minute to come see me.

(I mean really, could they be cuter?)

Now I am not going to get into it too much because it is such a hot topic and all....I mean I love to be controversial but my blog isn't famous at this point so I really can't be pissing people off just yet. So instead of spending anymore time talking about it I am just going to share some photos of my favorite celebrity boobs. I'm not a lesbian, but I know a great rack when I see one.

How does someone look like that?? 

We can all admit those are some motorboatin sonufabitches.

Why is she so pretty?

Boobs are nice in all shapes and sizes.

I probably would go lez for this crazy bitch. 

how to not loose a guy...

You guys probably all think I am perfect, and for the most part I am....but I do have a few darling little quirks that might make some men run for the hills.

Not my main squeeze Jose though. In fact, as far as I know he really likes me. I assume this because we never really fight, he buys me a lot of shit, and he goes along with most everything I want to do.

So since I have managed to keep him around I figure I will share a few of the things that really should help you loose a guy, but for me have not yet worked.

-Always fix your meat and potatoes loving boyfriend crazy hippie food. I essentially live on eggplant and quinoa...lucky Jose gets to enjoy all my hippie dippy recipes, and never bitches about it even though I am sure he would prefer a burger and some fries.

-Get real wasted at the bar and tell all your girl friends to just put their drinks on your boyfriend's tab. Yep, I do this one every weekend. Sorry boo.

-Also, make sure to pick fights about stupid shit when you are drunk. The next day when both your memories are a little foggy, convince him it was all his fault even though you both know you are the on that rhymes with rich.

-Frequently argue with him about who the dog loves more. Also, insist that if you ever get divorced you will be keeping the dog. (Never mind that you aren't yet married)

-Back him into saying things then get mad about it. Such as, ask him if you should go to the gym today and if he says something like, "if you want to", get real pissed off and pout that he thinks you are fat.

-Ask him to do something and then get irritated with the way he does it. Examples include asking him to clean and then re cleaning everything he just did, or asking him to make whatever he wants for dinner and turning your nose up at what he chooses.

-When your manfriend is making you a nice dinner, hover over his shoulder and wipe up every time he spills or splatters. They love that.

-Insist that every product you use is made of recycled materials even though they cost more and don't work as well. Also be a total stickler about recycling everything you can, even though there is no recycling pick up at your apartment so it needs to be driven 15 minutes away to the dump, of course the dirty bins are not allowed in your car so gets the honor of driving them.

-Get tanked when he takes you out to bars and then get sassy with people you don't know. Always ask him how you behaved the next morning. Every man loves a sloppy drunk.

Ok, I am going to stop now because I sound like a major skunt here, but I can assure you I'm actually not. Jose and I are happy campers but I know I can be a pill from time to time. I'm pretty lucky I guess.

Are you a big bitch to your boy toy, or is it just me?

the boozeless hangover

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So I have mentioned a time or twelve on this blogaroo that I rarely drink on school nights, I know it goes against all that my blog title stands for, but trust me I make up for it on the weekends.

Not drinking during the week doesn't mean I never go to work with a good old hangover however, and in fact I have sported a boozless hangover on multiple occasions. You probably have too. Here are a few of the hangovers I a lucky enough to suffer from that don't even offer the benefit of getting sauced first.

The Netflix hangover. Guys this one happens to me an awful lot. I start watching a show on the flix and I just can't stop. I have been known to watch something I get real hooked on pretty much all night. I am not sure if my hangovers were worse from Downton Abbey or Sons of Anarchy but let's just say I was groggy as all hell when I got into those bad boys.

The no sleep hangover. Whatever the reason, you just can't sleep. Maybe you had too much caffeine, you are nervous about something, or you just have to stay up past your bedtime for whatever reason. Some days there is just not enough coffee in the world.

The fight with your manfriend hangover. You get into it with the old boy toy the previous night and the next day you just can't think about anything else. You have the damn cry baby lump in your throat all day long and you all around feel like death. Luckily Jose and I have only been in one or two fights so this one is a rarity but it does happen now and again.

The cried yourself to sleep hangover. Perhaps it was because of numero tres, or maybe you were just watching some sad ass movie, but for whatever reason you did your share of crying the night before and your head is pounding like a mofo the entire next day. I hate crying, I try not to do it, but sometimes you just gotta.

The junk food hangover. If I eat like shit, I feel like shit. Every single time. But sometimes I still decide french fries, cookies, fast food or some other calorie monster is a great idea, and when I do I am not feeling real fancy the next day. This one is rare for me as I have some how become a health nut despite myself but it used to be a pretty regular occurrence.

The stress hangover. This one usually starts in the morning when your day just goes to shit right away. You turn on the computer in your office only to find 9393494 emails from your loser coworkers, just as many voice mails, and a huge list of other things to get done...you are better off just calling it quits when you walk in and spending the day on Pinterest, because that is what winners do.

The vacation hangover. This one doesn't make you feel sick so some may say it doesn't fit on this list, but it's my party so shush. You are leaving for vaca or have a long weekend staring you in the face and you absolutely cannot focus on work. This happens to me before any trip I take or when I have a few days off for a holiday. There is really no point for me to even be in the office as I am 100% useless, but if I took it off the day before would be the same situation. See again: Pinterest all day.

What makes you feel like death at work?

my number one homie

I am currently dog sitting for a basset hound named Walter who is almost as naughty as he is adorable.

Seriously, this little shit is a piece of work. He has only been with me three days and has already reeked his fair share of havoc.

Fred no longer goes in a cage when we leave the house because honestly he is more of a human than an animal and he prefers the comfort of the couch during the day. Walter on the other hand, I do not trust so I have been putting him in Fred's old cage when we are not home.

You can imagine my delight when I returned home the first day of his visit to find him roaming freely. I assumed I had not latched the cage door, but when I investigated the situation, I realized he had some how pulled a Houdini and bent the bars of the cage with his paws causing the door to open. At first I was more impressed than anything but then I found a huge puddle of piss all over the bathroom floor. Thanks for that dude.

Walter is also a sheader. Fred is many things but a sheader is not one of them. Thanks to Walt my couch and yoga pants are looking pretty trash tastic. He also took it upon himself to lick our windows to the extent that they are completely opaque from the drool. Lovely.

Walter has stolen Fred's food every time I feed the dogs, and needs to be on your lap at all times. Fred hates the shit out of him and has looked sad ever since Walter came to stay. Walter has also been snatching every one of Fred's toys and bones the second he starts to play...I feel pretty bad because Fred is not accustomed to not getting his way.

Walter has also seen to it that I have not slept for more than two hours over the course of his visit. He whines constantly during the night. I am not sure if he just misses his own house, or if he is a mix of Basset Hound and devil, but either way I did not appreciate my 4am wake up call this morning.

Walter has one thing going for him though, he is disgustingly cute. I mean I can't even get mad at the fact that he has been ruining my life the past few days because I just smile when I look at him. Fred's stunning good looks get him out of a lot of trouble too, but after watching this rascal of a basset hound I am realizing how lucky I am to have a well behaved albeit totally spoiled rotten pet. Fred may not know he is a dog, but he never pees in my house and most of his fur stays on his body...so thanks for being my number one homie Fred. I love you buddy.