Why I would make a shitty mother

Now that I am 28 and am pretty much married without the terrifying legal commitment,  I am frequently asked if I will be having kids. There is one woman at work in particular who really loves babies and wants me to have a few little bastards asap. I always tell her no, I would be a bad mom. She is always all like, no you are so nice you would be a great mom.

It is true, I can be really nice once in awhile...but only once in awhile and there are a whole bunch of reasons I am pretty sure the "mommy" thing is not my cup of tea.

This right here is a picture of the most beautiful child in American and possibly the world. My niece Evelyn is the cutest ever so don't even try to dispute it. She is three and is the first baby I have ever held. You do the math, the first time I held a baby was at 25. That is not normal.

In addition to Evelyn, I have since held three other babies. One of which is her infant brother Arthur. The other two were because someone made me.

I have never in my life touched a pregnant belly. That shit creeps me out and I am not sure why everyone wants me to touch their belly when they have an alien growing inside. I don't want you to touch my belly when it is full of vodka and chicken wings, so don't ask me to touch yours.

I can never see the baby in those creepy sonogram photos. Never.

I have never changed a diaper. I hope this never changes.

I also can't even pretend shit like this is cute. My sister sends me the kids art work all the time and I have no clue what to do with it. I love my niece and nephew, but so far they suck at art.

I can literally never judge how old a baby is, and I never remember what size my niece and nephew wear. Some people seem to have intuition about those things, I do not.

I do not know at what age children are supposed to eat or do certain things. I tried to give my niece a pretzel before she had teeth, my sister was not thrilled.

I once lost a child while babysitting in college. This was a group effort, I am not exclusively to blame. And in my defense I felt terrible and we found said child at our neighbors house after about twenty minutes.

I was only asked to babysit on two occasions by my neighbors in high school ever because I apparently had a "reputation". These kids were both about eleven so I am not sure if that is technically a kid or a tween. I guess either the two I did babysit for didn't love their kids or they were real desperate.

I am also pretty bad with schedules, rules, and responsibility...I hear those things are essential to child rearing.

I swear a lot, drink too much, and often forget to feed myself and the dog too. Pretty sure my kid would run away as soon as it could.