things that chap my ass

Judging by the title of this post you might assume I am in a foul mood. You would be wrong...but then again you know what they say about assumptions.

I am in fact as happy as a pig in you know what. The reason I am so happy is because I am currently in the wonderful state of Michigan visiting my family, friends, and most importantly this guy:

If you are shocked I am posting from vacation, you should know I am actually writing this post well in advance (it is Friday afternoon as I type)...now that shit right there is shocking because I never ever write anything in advance on account of I'm just not that organized.

Being in a good mood however will not stop me from bringing you some grade A sass though, don't you worry.

So here you have it, a list of things that really chap my ass.

-Working on projects with asshats. I have always been more of an independent person when it comes to working on things that matter, but recently I found myself in a situation where I was forced to work on a project with someone that involves close to $200,000. That is a whole lot if you ask me, and guess...what this asshat in question has totally dropped the ball and just last week attempted to throw me under the bus on the matter. Lucky for me I save emails like a squirrel saves nuts, and it will hopefully all be resolved soon, but come on now.

-Running skirts. I am sorry if you happen to wear them but I really don't get it. They look silly and uncomfortable in my opinion. My yoga teacher wore one last week and I almost left the class. It's uncalled for if you ask me.

-The Boston Redsox. They have some cute players and all, but they have got to stop being so damn good.

-When people get in my way while I am shopping. During a recent Trader Joes trip, I am pretty sure everyone but me in the store had sampled some weed brownies, because every single person was in la la land and would not move their carts or bodies while I tried to shop. Even the employees were totally spaced out. I just want to get my organic whole wheat cous cous here people so get the frick outta my way....or at least share the brownies.

-The new no talking on cell phones while driving bull shit in Maryland. I hate driving. There are only two things I enjoy doing whilst driving and they are smoking cigarettes and talking on the phone. Now, I quit smoking like five years ago because I hear it is bad for you...but now the state is telling me I can talk on the phone? What gives? There are many occasions where I really need to gossip with my sister on a long car ride, or times when I need to place a carry out order at a specific time during my ride home from work to pick it up, or when I need to check with Jose to see what ingredients I need for dinner. Point is, my life involves a lot of food related emergencies that require cell phone usage. I can totally get on board with the no texting and driving thing, but I really don't see how talking on my phone impacts my driving. In fact if I am not talking on my phone I am probably talking to myself which is way more distracting. To say I am fired up about this is an understatement.

I am going to stop there before my good mood goes bad, but I hope you all have a glorious week. I plan to have a few posts for you during my trip, but I will be drinking more than the recommended amount most nights (and days) so I can't make any promises.

The most bangable men in baseball

While I may not be much of a sports fan, I do love to watch cute men play baseball.

So, in honor of the post season, I wanted to share some photos of my favorite boys in town.

-Justin Verlander. The Tigers are hands down the best team in all the land, and pretty much all their players are sexy or at least guys you want to hang out with, but old JV is just a stone cold fox. He also loves Taco Bell. That is a pretty good trait in a man if you ask me.

-The Orioles are the second best team in the land partially because they have so many studly players. J.J. Hardy is one such stud. So, so cute.

-Sergio Romo. This guy pretty much ruined my life when the Giants won the World Series last year, but I couldn't even get that mad because he is just too damn good looking. I really felt like a star crossed lover as I watched him pitch last post season...he was from the wrong team, but my god did I like to watch him.

-Stephen Drew. Once again, I should hate this guy, but look at his face. I mean I am only human. I try to hate the beards and not fear them, but some of them are pretty appealing.

-Mad Max. To be honest, he looks sort of goofy in most of his photos, but as someone whos dream man is Jason Segel, I guess I like them a little goofy. Plus, just watch one interview with him and you will fall in love. See, I'm not that shallow after all.

anarchy is the answer for this country

Well maybe not, but I do really like punk rock so there are worse ideas right?

Anyway, I am really glad the government is going to re-open. Even though I think the government sucks pretty bad, (both sides guys, I am not getting into it on the blog...don't you worry) I am still glad this stupid shut down is over.

Living as close to DC as I do, it seems that pretty much everyone I associate with was affected by the shut down in some way. And if there is one thing that pisses me off it is when the ones I love are not happy. Don't mess with Texas my ass, don't mess with my people is how the saying should go.

I can think of a whole bunch of shit that should have shut down instead of the government...

-My work! I still had to report to work everyday. I would have gladly sacrificed my museum closing instead of the government. I am not really a big fan of working to be honest. And I could have let manfriend pay the bills for 16ish days. It would have been ok.

-Burger King. Even with as healthy as I have become I still have a weak spot for soft serve. Did you know that BK was dishing up cones for 53 cents??? You read that right 53 cents! And that is with tax...I may or may not have consumed about 438 of those bad lads in the past few months. If they would have been closed the temptation would not have been there and I would have saved lots of quarters. Oh and by the way...those cones are no longer 53 cents...I blame the government. I went last night and was charged $1.06. I only had 53 cents with me so had to debit card it. I told the boyfriend and he judged me.

-Walmart. I can't stand it. It can close for good for all I care. I had to go the other day because I wanted to buy birthday flowers for a coworker and it was the only store open around these parts at 7am. I was instantly reminded why I never go there. It is horrible.

-Halloween stores. All of them. Don't get me wrong, I love Halloween like no freakin other, but have you set foot in a Spirit store recently? If not, save yourself the trip they are terrible. I went in last night to get the last piece of my costume pie and it was sooo dirty. The floor had clearly not been mopped since last Halloween and all the costumes were super low quality and insanely expensive. I have always been a DIY costume person myself, but I know some people don't have the time and this place just did not impress me.

-Target. I would be infinitely richer is Target would just shut down. I am pretty sure the cashiers all know me by name at this point. I think there is some sort of a magnet in Target stores that just draws me to them. I seriously go there like three times a week. It has got to stop.

-Wawa. I know I can easily brew coffee at my own house, but I have yet to find a cup of coffee anywhere in this country that rivals WaWa's Kona blend with a splash of cream. I read all these articles about how not buying coffee is the easiest way to save money...yet almost every morning, I do it.

That is pretty much all I can think of right now and since #1 didn't happen I have got to get back to it.

What do you wish would have shut down in lieu of the government?

I've become even more ridiculous

With Fred that is. It's really getting out of hand guys. He bosses me around to no end, and at this point I think the damage is done and my dog now entirely rules the roost.

He refuses to share the couch with Jose and I. Literally the second one of us gets up he takes our spot and will not move. I have been watching a whole lot of baseball from the floor lately.

He yells at me when I try to wake him up. Every damn morning, I try to sweetly coax him awake and he slaps me with his paw and makes a super irritated noise.

He will no longer eat treats off the floor. I dropped one of his mini t-bones the other morning and he stared at me until I picked it up and placed it gingerly in his mouth.

He expects to go everywhere. This one is truly my own fault. I think I watched too many episodes of "The Simple Life" as a kid, because I really like the idea of carrying my dog around in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier...unfortunately my dog clocks in at 100lbs, so the carrier is out, but I still bring him everywhere I go. Anytime I am getting ready to leave the house, Fred stands by the door giving me the stink eye to make sure he gets to come. I bring him to the farmer's market, street fairs, pet stores, you name it...he is there. He is not particularly good on a leash and absolutely walks me, but I guess it is what it is.

I really realized things were getting bad as I sat in the Burger King drive through the other night. Now, as I have mentioned about 1,000 times on this little blog, I have become one of those assholes I used to despise as of late...the type of person who only eats healthy food and does it because that is what they like not because they are on a diet (the shame!)...yet I still find myself buying fast food at least one a week...FOR MY DOG. I know, it is pathetic. It was bad enough when I was getting burgers for me and the boyfriend and I would grab Fred a little snack too, but now I am making special trips. It has got to stop.

The other day, Fred really showed us who was boss when he took it upon himself to shit on the floor in Petco. Fred has never been one to have an accident, not even as a pup. I have no idea what got into him, but I can only imagine he was just trying to teach Jose and I a lesson. Apparently as we were about to check out he noticed there were not nearly enough treats in the shopping cart so he made a bold statement right in front of the cashier...needless to say he got a bully stick after that, we felt so bad for not taking him out, we had to spoil him.

Lastly, Fred has deemed it unacceptable for me to practice yoga in his house. My one true love aside from Fred and red wine is yoga. The other day, I thought I would practice some poses in my living room. That went on for about 2 minutes before Fred started barking and growling at me and then proceeded to sit on my back mid plow. Keep in mind...100 pound dog. I guess I will have to wait until he is out of the house to practice from now on.

You should note, that these are indeed professional photos taken of Fred. You see, I have always assumed he was the best looking dog in America, but my assumptions were confirmed when I was recently contacted by a photographer who attended one of my work events. She had never met me, nor Fred, but said she had taken some pictures at the event and wanted to share them. I was pleased to see that at least ten of her fifty images were of my dog! Now there were many other dogs at the event, not a single on caught on film. You should also note, I would 100% pay for professional photos to be taken of Fred...this was just plain luck.

Whatever, he is cute and I will never have to pay his college tuition so I guess he can poop in public all he wants.

balls to the walls

Guys, the Tigers are doing so great right now. The Tigers as in the baseball team, not the large feline. I don't really know how the tiger population is doing at the moment, but I do like baseball a lot. Partially because it is cool, and partially because Jose friggen loves it so I would have to spend a lot of time watching something I hate if I didn't get into it.

Last week to celebrate the post season I made a meal shaped like baseballs for Jose, Fred, and I to enjoy. You should note, this is a complete lie...I actually made rice balls because they are gd delicious, it was purely coincidental that we watched baseball while we ate them.

Anyway, they came out excellent and here is the recipe.

Rice Balls 

(or Arancini if you fancy)

You will need:

1/2 cup cooked and cooled rice

3 eggs

Bread Crumbs

Shredded Parmesan Cheese

Fresh Mozerella Cheese

Cayenne Pepper

Garlic

Salt

Black Pepper

Olive Oil

Directions:

-Preheat oven to 400

-Take cooled rice and put it in a large mixing bowl. Add in the shredded parm, I just added a little bit but the more the merrier when it comes to cheese if you aren't on a diet. Add chopped garlic (once again the more the merrier right?), salt, pepper, and a few shakes of cayenne, crack one egg into the mixture and combine well.

-Next chop your mozz into small chunks. Or big if you are feeling wild. Set aside.

-Crack two eggs into a bowl and whisk until smooth.

-Place a layer of bread crumbs on a plate and coat a baking sheet with olive oil.

-Now it is time to handle the balls ;) I found it worked best to have slightly wet hands...I am sorry this is so dirty guys but wet balls seemed to work best. Take a handful of rice and wrap it around a chunk of the mozz cheese forming a ball. The balls can be any size you like, I made mine big because that is how I have always had them in restaurants.

-Roll the ball in the egg and then coat with bread crumbs.

-Place on the oiled baking sheet and repeat until you have lots o balls. 

-Bake for about 35 minutes flipping halfway through. Keep your eye on them and just cook until they are nice and golden brown.

-Serve with warm marinara sauce. 

I should really have wiped the drips of sauce off the side of that plate...the chopped judges would be so pissed at me. I am also embarrassed to admit I ate both those giant balls. 

I am literally the worst

I would like to say sorry for being a shitty blogger, but I guess I am who I am.

See for quite a long while there I was posting like 5 times a week. That is a lot for a relatively lazy person such as myself. And truth be told, that is just too much. I can't spend the time I want on a post in addition to my job and all the other things I like in life 5 times a week. Maybe not even 4. I can however not suck at writing as bad as I have the last few weeks, because if you ask me blogging is the cat's pajamas.

Anyway, I figured today I would share with you a few excuses as to why my blog has been so quiet the last few weeks so maybe some of you will still like me. I will try to be better in the future, maybe.

-Writers Block. This is a new one for me as I am pretty mouthy and typically have lots to say, but lately I just haven't been feeling it. I am a firm believer in not posting something just for the sake of posting it  so I have opted to write nothing in lieu or writing crap. (maybe this post should be excused from that equation)

-Busy. My god have I been busy at work. I have two events in the last two weeks, countless meetings, a conference, several work trips and a company picnic to boot. I have been working about 55 hours a week and there has been no time for the tomfoolery or blogging I usually enjoy a bit of during any given work day.

-Fun. I have been doing a lot of really fun but really time consuming shit lately. Dinners with the neighbors, baseball games, dates with the manfriend, shopping-it has all cut in to my blog time. Also one of my very favorite people came out to visit last weekend. We had a marvelous drunken weekend. I can't for one second justify taking time away from my life shenanigans to write...it's just not my style.

-Computer problems. In addition to being busy as fack at work, my computer here is from the Jurassic period. Even the days where I had a few minutes to read a few blogs, write a quick post, or comment on some blogs I love, my work PC was not having it. It literally takes 15 minutes to get this biotch up and running in the morning. Not cool.

-The gym. Guys I have been hitting the gym real hard. It is awesome, I am loving it and I am getting muscles in all new places. The bad part is when i get home from 2 hours of working out all I want to do is have some dinner and watch the boob tube. Or maybe walk the dog. I have no motivation left to blog. I just want to be lazy. Plus there is so much damn good TV on right now I just can't take it.

I'm feeling drunk, and 21

I have been on a low carb diet as of late which has been cool as it results in me getting way drunker way easier.

See also, I fell asleep on my living room floor last Saturday. I'm awesome I know.

In addition to being a much cheaper date these days, I am feeling like a kid again. You see I was a bit of a wild one in my younger years if you can believe it. So when I saw Adriana of the blog Dog Hair is an Accessory was hosting a link up about her 21st birthday memories I figured it was the perfect excuse for me to jump back on the blog wagon. I promise tomorrow I will have a really lame post listing various excuses as to why I am a shitty blogger.

But for now, let's take a wobbly walk down memory lane back to Michigan State University.

To set the scene, I spent my junior and senior year of college living in a giant ass house right off campus with seven of the wildest girls on this planet. You read that right, seven. There were eight of us in that damn house and it was incredible.

I can vividly remember the night before my 21st sitting in our living room with most of my roommates drinking airplane bottles of vodka and talking about how it was the last time I would ever underage drink. I got a little misty thinking about it then proceeded to drink lots of those little bottles as the girls showered me with gifts. They are the best friends, and not just because they give awesome gifts. That year they got me a coach wristlet. This was the age when the coach wristlet was the ultimate must have. I believe I owned about four hundred of them at the time. Cell phones were a lot smaller back then, I don't even know if an iPhone would fit in one of those bad boys these days.

The next night (my actual Birthday), my cousin drove in from her college a few hours away and she, my roommates, and two of my best guy friends, and I went out to dinner..there is a good chance I was wearing a tiara. The restaurant was Mongolian BBQ, I ordered my very first legal drink at Mongolian BBQ...I guess I owe a lot to that place, it really started me off on the right track.

Following dinner, my roommates had to go back home as I was the first one in the house to turn 21 and the guys, my cousin, and I set out for the bars.  I don't remember much because I was drinking heavily and also because it was 7 years ago, but I do know that the guys hated my cousin and at one point I decided taking my bra off was a good call.

I do remember what I was wearing and that was one of those one shoulder numbers in black, most likely from Fashion Bug. My style has come a long way since college when I really liked the slutty polyester tops with American Eagle jeans look the best.

After the bars I was dropped off at home and the guys bid us farewell. It is a good thing they left because rumor has it I put on my real birthday suit and ran around my house throwing cake at all my roommates for the remainder of the evening. And it wasn't just any cake, my co-worker made me one of those barbie doll cakes and it was friggen adorable.

Moral of the story, cut me off after I remove my bra. It is the only way to avoid cake throwing.

I also thank the good Lord that no pictures remain from that fateful night. I am pretty blessed that smart phones were not a thing during my real wild days.