Zumba Hookers

I think we can all agree that Zumba is a damn good time.  I go every Friday and Saturday unless I am out of town or too hungover.  Until recently I thought my teacher was awesome and never had a reason to complain; then I found out the Zumba classes in Maine include a free hooker.  I feel so ripped off. 

Read this article, but probably not at work cuz it's all about hookers

I mean I guess I just have to accept it, every class and every teacher is different.  I learned that this week when we had substitute Zumba instructors for both classes.  Subs in Zumba aren’t like the ones from elementary school.  They don’t let you goof off and watch movies, they take themselves very seriously.

I should have known my class on Friday was going to be a hot mess.  I really should have skipped and went to target instead.  For starters, I got to the gym about 5 minutes after the class started.  I am typically fashionably late for everything (including work each day) but  free Zumba at your gym is not the time to be tardy to the party.  No my friend, being late means you get the little sardine can space in the very back of the room next to the two smelly ladies.  Without fail if you get to class late, you will get elbowed, stepped on, and otherwise molested.

If being late wasn’t bad enough, when I got into the locker room to change I realized I left my sports bra at home.  I don’t want to get too personal here, but I will tell you: my bresticles are large and in charge.  Once again, I should have counted my losses and left then and there.  No, instead I decided, I needed to work off the Starbucks I had that morning, plus I freaking love Zumba.  I decided to be brave and face the class with my regular bra….ahhh the horror. 

I walk into the room and what do I see, but some stranger is leading the class?? Where is my beautiful teacher who I hate because she had a baby like 4 weeks ago and has the body of a playmate?  She was nowhere to be found and in her place was a scantily clad, crazy eyed woman.  I don’t know what it is about these Zumba teachers, but they always dress so crazy.  This one had black cargo pants, a see through jersey (like the kind they used to make you wear in middle school gym class), and a robins egg blue sports bra; and of course every article of clothing said Zumba on it somewhere.  This outfit may not seem to wild, in fact the color palate was quite tame compared to some I have seen; what was so shocking was the sports bra.  It was quite see through and this woman was on the older side….I saw more nipple than I ever wanted thanks to that stupid jersey that served no purpose. 

(This isn't my teacher, just some random Zumba enthusiast.)

Her outfit aside, this woman was bat shit crazy.  Now, for those of you who have never Zumbaed, the teachers often like to sing while they instruct; this gal was no exception. When she sang though, she made what I can only describe as her “O” face.  It was awkward to say the least, especially with that obscene bra on.  Halfway through the class she got all fired up and started yelling like a drill Sargent.  This is Zumba not boot camp!  It was terrifying.  At one point while describing a move, this loon actually said, “act like you are wiping your butt with a towel” .  I can’t even comment on that one.  Her class, aside from the shouting, was actually really good so I can’t complain too much, but at the very end she had us all do a cheer…we all had to put our hands into a circle and yell “we rock” on three.  I know I rock, I don’t need to yell it woman, I have a bar to get to.

(All the oldies in my class have started wearing these noisy skirts....I'm not a fan.)

I went back Saturday morning for round two.  Once again there was a sub.  This one called herself "Rocky" and was sporting at least 30 of those plastic Lance Armstrong-esq bracelets that all said zumba.  This bitch even had Zumba brand shoes.  She was pretty tame compared to Fridays whack job, but she did keep going around the room high fiving everyone...I think I am only friendly when I am drunk because it just made me feel awkward.