The first blogger move

I have decided, not because I think I am the best blog in the west, but because I love when my posts get a bunch of page views and I almost pee my pants when I get comments, that I want to dip my toe into the blogger world.  If you don't have a blog this post will sound like gibberish to you, because honestly it is still sort of gibbery to me, but I am learning.  I promise this will be the last time I talk about "blogging" for a while.  If you aren't interested in bloging, just do a shot everytime you hear the words: blog, blogger, or blogging, and you will forget you ever read this...start at the very beginning obviously.

I have done my fair share of blog stalking.  I have discovered there is crazy shit out there like buttons, and linkups, and sponsors...who the heck knew.  I thought it was like livejournal used to be back in high school where you just wrote stories and people read them, and then it sometimes lead to drama in the hallway.

I've learned there is like a secret society of blogs somewhat like the skulls from that movie with Joshua Jackson.  You might have to eat a goldfish or something to get in and I am definitely not ready for all that, but I am going to take a baby step or two.  I want to be more like the waterboy than part of the actual team for now I think.

Upon researching these cults, I have found blogs that I really love.  I have also found many I do not like at all, some bitc*es be full of themselves.  I have realized I do want this blog to get out there, I want to be accountable for keeping it updated and I want people to read it because I like doing it.  I do not want to learn all about html and other technical stuff (at least not right now).  I don't want to become bff's with every blog out there, just the ones I think are awesome.  I don't want this to be a job or a business, I just like it. I also really like some of you bloggers, just from reading your posts. 

Especially if you are snotty or borderline alcoholic...I like you guys a lot!

So what is the first blogger move you don't ask?? Well, I decided to try this whole sponsoring on a blog thing.  I bit the bullet and contacted the first two ladies' blogs who were ever nice to me and my personal faveorites. Most likely if you read my blog you read theirs, but in case you are insane and don't check out Helene and Stephanie.  They both have dogs and love booze, so naturally I like them. If there are others out there you recommend, I welcome your suggestions.  I also apologize in advance to anyone who I decide to inquire with about sponsoring, because I am a total moron when it comes to the subject.  I do not know how to make a button or any of that, so good luck with me...I do have a credit card however, so you might want to jack up your prices real quick.

The Unthinkable Happened...

A few weeks ago the moment all dog moms fear came true...

I was peed on at the dog park.

Fred was not the culprit which makes it so much worse.

Nope it was some little bastard newbie to the park.  He walked up, lifted his leg and pissed right on my ankle...not cool dude, not cool at all.

I told Fred about it on the way home, he was too busy chasing his ball to kick the dog's ass for doing it, and he was shocked and disgusted.

I just hope justice is served and the mutt winds up on the sex offender registry with R Kelly and all the other golden showerers.  I am just not that kind of girl!

Color me Embarrassed

So a little over two weeks ago I wrote about how working out was bad for you and you should never do it.  Obviously I was just kidding, I think exercise is good for the mind, body, and soul as well as for canceling out the calories I drink.  That being said, the week after my dog's incident during our run I used him as an excuse to not go to the gym for an entire week.  I wanted to get right home from work and take care of him.  The next weekend we were out of town so no gym action went down.  The following week I was sick so that was my excuse, last weekend I had to work (excuse), Monday night I worked (excuse), and last night we had friends over for dinner.  These excuses are all lame.  My gym is open 24 hours a day.  I am embarrassed to admit it has been 16 days since I last worked out.  I know tonight when I make my grand re-entrance to the gym it is gonna be real ugly.  I can anticipate how sore I will be already.  Why do we make these crazy excuses?  Or is it just me?

My hiatus from the gym isn't the only thing I am embarrassed about right now.  I am a little embarrassed by the country I live in too.  Don't get me wrong America is my girl.  I love her.  She reminds me a little of myself, mostly good and kind but sticks her nose in other people's business WAY more than she should, sucks at money management, and does embarrassing things from time to time.  I am not saying I am not grateful and happy to live here, if I wasn't I would move to Canada and would be enjoying health care and poutine as we speak.  No guys, we all do embarrassing things.  I am the first to admit I occasionally pee in parking lots, and have even been known to dance on a bar or two and hug complete strangers when I am drunk.  I think the embarrassing things America does are way worse though, because they are not just embarrassing, they also don't make any sense.

Like this issue of gay marriage.  Why is this an issue at all?? Why are two HUMAN beings not allowed to get married in every state?  Why can a couple who met the night before at the casino get married in Vegas, but only if they have a P and a V??  Why can my best friend not marry someone he loves and get the same benefits a man and a woman would when they get married?  Why can couples who own homes together, and love and are entirely committed to one another not get married?  I personally think everyone should be entitled to register for wedding gifts, not just certain people.  I don't really see the difference between saying a gay couple can't get married and saying two red heads can't get married. Think about it, if two gingers have a kid that kid will likely be a ginger and get teased.  For some reason that is acceptable though.

(Fred don't get it either...)

I am embarrassed that America enslaved a specific race of people not even 200 years ago too.  What was she thinking?? I mean I have a slave and his name is my boyfriend.  I did not select him based on the color of his skin but rather because he is really good at buying me stuff and doing things for me.  America's whole idea that it was cool to treat people like they weren't people because of their race boggles my mind.  I honestly cannot wrap my head around how this one happened.  It's too crazy for me.

I also am embarrassed that to this day people dislike others based on their race, religion, gender, ethnicity, etc...  Like what the hell.  People are all cool in their own way, and if they aren't it is because they are jerks not because they are black, or white, or gay, or whatever they are.  Let's get with the program and be nice to each other.  We think it is so crazy that not so long ago schools and restaurants and pools and even water fountains were segregated, but yet so many people still treat those who are different than them with hatred. 

I think it is pretty embarrassing that women couldn't vote less than 100 years ago.  WTF America?? Talk about crazy.  I have been taught since i could talk that women were better than men.  My mom used to make us recite, "girls rule and boys drool" over and over again as kids.  I believe this with every fiber of my being.  Women are way smarter and prettier than anyone with a wiener.  We all know it is true.  Boys are just cute so we have to keep them around.

These are just a few of the things that embarrass me about my friend America.  I know she will clean up her act one of these days, but until then I think she needs to lay off the booze.  I get really lovey dovey when I am drunk which is bad enough but it is obvious America just gets real judgey and hateful.  No one likes a mean drunk.

Small town livin

I've probably mentioned a time or two that I grew up on the mean streets of Detroit and moved to a VERY rural part of Maryland a few years ago.  (just over two to be exact)

To say it has been a bit of an adjustment is an understatement.  Living here is very different from what I am used to.  It took a while to make friends, and there are not many bars in the area.  My entire life in Michigan pretty much revolved around my three thousand friends and being a bar star, so you can imagine my struggles.  There is also nothing in the way of shopping, another go to for me back in Michigan.  The closest mall is an hour away.  We have a Walmart, Kohl's, Dicks, and thank god a Target and Marshalls.  Everything is a chain, including all the restaurants.  I can only think of about five locally owned restaurants and there are even fewer shops.  I am a snob about buying local and supporting small business so this has been a hard adjustment.

The first time I realized I wasn't in Kansas (Detroit) anymore was when manfriend and I went for a drive the day after we arrived.  I noticed there were not many buildings and lots of open spaces.  I looked out the window and saw a sign at the end of a driveway that read, "Goats for Sale".  Ok WTF...in Detroit you might see a sign that say "Pitt Bulls for Sale" and I am ok with that, but goats...really?? 

I also quickly learned that the local radio reports every crime incident that occurs live on air.  That includes traffic infractions, and everything else.  I knew I had to watch myself because if I get caught acting up everyone in town will know, and i love to act up.  It didn't take long before we started to get to know everyone around, there aren't many people so it was pretty easy. 

For the most part, I have adjusted to living here, the only thing that is really hard is the fact that the area is heavily dependent on a military base, that means a lot of people coming and going.  It seems like as soon as we make friends, they have to relocate!  That has been really tough, I have met some truly amazing friends, and had to say goodbye about a thousand times in two years.

So now, I am going to share some facts with you about my little town.

The hillbillies around here are refered to as SMIBS, you can look it up on Urban Dictionary.  It stands for Southern Maryland Inbreds.  There are a lot of them.  This is not unique to where I live though, there are SMIBS in every town and city all over the world, they just call them something different depending upon where you are...there are lots of really great people here too.

Some SMIBS have nails like this.

I went to see a play around Christmas time, keep in mind Christmas is in December, the lady next to me was wearing capri length sweat pants and slippers.  It made sense for her to wear carpis though, because she had to show off her beautiful Confederate flag in the shape of a butterfly tattoo.

This was a really nice bumper sticker I saw the other night.

The county fair is a big old deal.  You can buy all kinds of farm animals and the SMIBS get all gussied up.

Marylander's LOVE crabs....

My local grocery store is such a wonderful cultural experience because it really combines the SMIB culture and some ghetto all in a one stop shop.  The employees keep everyone informed with signs like this.

SMIB land is not all bad, not by any means.  It is pretty dang beautiful here.  This is the view from my office.

and you can buy pigeons, tazers, knock off purses, and sex toys all in one place at the local flea market.

So, when are you coming to visit??

Happy Monday

Oh hey Monday, what up.  I had a really great weekend.  That makes for two really great weekends in a row which is a good thing because the previous few weren't so hot, when you live for the weekend like I do that is not a good thing.  Hopefully I can keep the streak going for a while.

Even though you probably don't care too much, I am going to tell you all about what I have been up to the past few days.

Friday night manfriend and I decided on a low key evening because we both had to work Saturday morning.  We went for a few drinks early on in the evening and then had a delicious dinner at an Indian restaurant we like.  We finished the evening with a little TV and hit the hay early.  We did meet the world's craziest man at the bar and he actually told us he loved us.  I am kicking myself for not taking a picture of him....somehow I think I will see him again however.

Saturday we both got out of work pretty early.  So early in fact that I was able to get in some serious Target shopping before I would normally even be awake on a Saturday.  I don't know what it is about that store but my hands take on a mind of their own and I just buy everything I see.  I seriously can't control myself.

After Target, I made lunch for manfriend and I (he got home right after I did) and then we took Fred on a hike.  Fred is finally all healed up and he was in heaven on our hike.

We did a little antique shopping following the hike and I ran across this little beaut.  I don't really even know what to say about it, but I am pretty sure this is not something you should buy used.

Saturday night we made a nice dinner and I developed an addiction to the show Full Throttle Saloon.  We went to a local bar after for some beers and a few shots of Fireball whiskey.  I am pretty sure they were filming Step Up 3 in the bar because at one point there were three guys dancing on the floor with each other and no ladies in sight.  One of the guys was holding his beer in his mouth with no hands while he danced.  It was impressive to say the least.  I tried to get manfriend to start grinding on one of them for $20 but he wouldn't do it.  He isn't a very good boyfriend.  We went home pretty early so we could wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed in the AM.

Sunday we woke up, and I felt neither bright eyed nor bushy tailed, in fact I don't even have a tail so I don't get that expression at all.  I did wake up excited however because we had tickets for the first ever Inaugural Beer Festival in DC at the Nationals Stadium.  We hit the road around 10:30 and picked up two of our pals.  Obviously we had to stop at WaWa on the way for coffee and my friend Johnny ordered a burrito.  You can see that burrito below....I do not know why it was square.

By noon we were at the stadium patiently waiting to be let into the festival.  They made us wait until 1 pm to enter so we were standing like caged animals at feeding time for about thirty minutes.  Once we got in however all was right with the world.  There were 79 breweries set up and we sampled quite a lot of them.  Plus we got to drink from tiny little mugs which is always a plus.

After the festival we headed to Adams Morgan to get some Peruvian food which was a first for me.  It will not be the last either, it was amazing.  We were home in bed by 10:30 or so, but after all that drinking I was thrilled to learn when I woke up this morning that mother nature really had my back.  You see Maryland got a little dusting of snow, so my work delayed opening by an hour.  Thanks mama that extra hour of sleep was appreciated.

It looks gorgeous here with all the snow, but it's pretty warm so I think it will be gone soon.  Hope you all had a top notch weekend.

why I decided to adopt

Well kiddies, today is Friday and that is a good thing.  Another good thing, for my family at least, is that yesterday my sister had her second baby.  Little Arthur John was born just after midnight on March 21.  It is really some bullshit if you ask me because if he had been born about twenty minutes sooner I would have won a bunch of money from the baby pool.  I won't blame little Artie though, it's my sister's fault.  I really can't wait to meet this little dude.  I have seen three pictures so far (my sister really needs to step it up with the photos) and he is cute as can be.  I am not one to think a newborn is cute, so trust me he is.  My niece Evie was a little pissed because she was really hoping for a sister.  I talked to her on the phone last night and she was coping pretty well by eating her feelings in dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.  I feel this new baby is a perfect reason for me to get a little more serious than I typically do on this blog and talk about my own decision regarding having children. 

At some point in every woman's life she needs to make the decision of whether she wants to have children or not.  I thought about this long and hard and decided I definitely wanted to be a mother. 

I did not however want to be pregnant.

The thought of carrying a child reminds me a bit of an alien abduction, and I also cannot begin to imagine going 9 months without the gentle touch of alcohol on my throat.  I don't think I could make it more than a month to be honest.

There was always the option of surrogacy.  I considered it, but then realized even without having to deal with the issue of pregnancy, surrogacy was not the answer for me.  With surrogacy it is possible you will have children that are bad or annoying.  There is no way to guarantee the child will be mute and adorable at all times. There is also the issue of diapers and paying for college.

After weighing all my options I decided adoption was the only way to go for me.  That way I could hand select my child, ensuring it was not ugly.  I could still raise it as I saw fit because I would get the child as a baby. 

I decided on this little gem and I have not looked back since. 

He is the best son a mother could ask for.  I love that I can leave him home alone when I want to go out and he poops outside not in his pants.  I love that he doesn't need a car seat, and I will be able to afford a vacation home one day instead of sending him to college.

Sure, he can be a little sassy from time to time but what kid isn't??  At least mine won't get arrested for shoplifting, or color on my walls.

Diet tips

So I took the last two days off.

From work and from life in general.  I was sick as a damn dog. You know the lovely cold where your nose runs like a bratty six year olds, your throat feels like you have swallowed razor blades, you can't hear, and your head feels like it is floating above the surface of your body?
  It was really not awesome.

I also friggen hate taking sick days when I am actually sick.  I much prefer to use them to do awesome things like travel or day drink.  That being said, I woke up this morning feeling almost all better.

I got myself showered and ready then stepped on the scale.  To my surprise and delight this little cold took not only two days of my life but also five pounds!  I take back every rude thing I said about you cold.  You can come back anytime.

Now if I can just find myself a tape worm or mono before the summer....

Textual Messages

It's like a sexual message without the romance or the sex.

if you are new here, Jose is my manfriend, his last name is not really Jalapeno, but I don't want you stalking him.

If you don't watch Chopped, you need to.

The most wonderful time of the year

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day, I love this day.  I love it a lot.

I love Irish food, and music, and the color green, and most of all getting drunk as a skunk.

I also love the fact that my birthday is March 15, so I convince myself the whole weekend is a celebration just for me.

This year manfriend surprised me with a weekend getaway to Baltimore.  I live in the middle of nowhere and was born and raised in Detroit, so to me Baltimore is a top notch place.  If you haven't been, I would seriously consider a visit.  I personally love it because there are a plethora of bars and museums which are my two favorite things,closely followed by restaurants and shopping which Baltimore also has plenty of.

We made the two hour trek on Friday after work and checked into our hotel.  Of course Fred insisted on sitting in the front seat the whole time.

(Such a little rascal)

(he hogged the bed too)

We got checked in, went for a walk with the sassiest dog on the block, then made moves to Joe Squared, a pizza place I saw on Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives.  We met up with some good friends there for dinner and drinks.  After a great dinner we headed to a cute neighborhood called Federal Hill, if you visit Baltimore and like to drink, check it out.  We went to a few different bars and had lots of beer and a little Fireball Whiskey too.  It was a wonderful birthday.

Saturday manfriend and I got up and dominated some Greek food.  We were just a little touch hungover and there are no Greek restaurants where we live, so when I say dominated I mean it, we ordered two appetizers and I got soup in addition to sandwiches....and this was lunch mind you.  I was too full to eat my actual lunch after the appetizers and soup so my lucky ass dog got himself a good little lunch.

We made our way over to the National Aquarium afterwards, neither of us had been yet and were both anxious to check it out.  I was very, very impressed.  The exhibits were awesome.  We missed the dolphin show, but I fell in love with a little octopus and all in all just had a great time.  The only bad part were all the screaming children.  Manfriend and I always forget that popular museums on weekends are filled with more kids than Major Magic's so we kicked ourselves a little on that one.  At least my hangover was gone by this point, the last time we forgot about the child problem was when we visited the Air and Space museum in DC the morning after a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert;  a severe hangover,  a-hole kids, and boring science are not a winning combo.

There was a Mary Kay convention in Baltimore over the weekend as well.  Manfriend and I thoroughly enjoyed gawking at all the crazy ladies decked out in head to toe pink.  The seven year old me wanted to steal all their pink Cadillacs (I grew up in Detroit remember, they teach you to jack cars in first grade).

Saturday night we met up with another couple for dinner and more drinks.  We got back to the hotel around two and naturally needed to eat some food, so we ordered carry out from a spot so ghetto it gives that hot dog place in Chicago a serious run for its money.  While waiting for our food out front with Fred we made lots of fellow drunk friends. Everyone loved Fred and he even got pet by a very pretty stripper.  I did not know she was a stripper but when manfriend explained to me that she clearly was because she had just come out of the strip club next door, was caked in make up, and had two Louis Vuitton duffel bags of clothes with her, it all added up.  Whatever she was cool, she even fed Fred some pizza.

By Sunday when we got home, we were pretty broke and there are just not really many good bars where we live so we had a few friends over for an Irish dinner and some drinks.  It was a perfect end to the weekend and I am not even hung over.  Maybe I have finally figured it all out now that I am 28.

Hope you all had a great St. Patrick's day.

today is a great day

Today I turned 28 and I am happy and healthy.

Today I woke up to my manfriend making me a BLT bagel with cream cheese and avocado instead of mayo. (soo good)

Today my manfriend gave me way too many thoughtful gifts including several records and a juicer.

Today I got a package from my sister with a present and a hand made card from my little niece.

Today we have a pot luck at work.

Today my baby dog is ok and healing up from his accident.

Today I am going to Baltimore after work and spending the weekend with some great friends.

Today I am going to dinner at a restaurant I saw on the Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives!

Today I don't have to worry about how many calories I eat, because I know I will drink enough to throw them all up today.  (I am a drunk bulimic from time to time)

Today I get to wear a dress and high heels.

Today I am staying the night in a fancy ass hotel.

Today I got a zillion kind text messages and Facebook notes reminding me how lucky and loved I am.

Today I am not going to do much actual work at work.

and most of all....

...today might be the day I get a new niece or nephew.  My little biotch sister better pop that kid out today, I mean how hard is it really??  I want him/her to have the same birthday so we can have joint parties, because I think getting drunk around little kids is really funny.

one more day

So last night my life went back to its regularly scheduled programing.  I did not go to the gym because I was tired as shit and slightly hungover.  I did however cuddle with my recovering pup on the couch while we ate junk food and watched Celebrity Wife Swap with Gilbert Godfrey and Allan Thicke.

I passed out by 10:30 because frankly life is rough.  I am counting down the minutes until tomorrow because not only is it potluck day at work, but it is also my birthday and manfriend is taking me to Baltimore for the weekend.   I am pretty sure normal people don't consider Baltimore a vacation spot, but when you come from Detroit like we do, you think it is a pretty nice place!

I want to apologize to my liver in advance because I know I am going to drink way too much tomorrow and Saturday.  I feel bad for you, but not that bad because I really have cleaned up my act a lot in the last two years!  If I can deal with jogging you can deal with a few days of binge drinking.   I promise, after this weekend I will treat you well until April 5.  You are going to hate me again on the 5th because I am flying to Michigan to drink in celebration of Tiger's baseball opening day...who does that?

Also, I made a bloglovin' account.  If you are sexy, follow it here

holy semi-hangover

I'm going to be real honest here, even though this blog is called The Party Girl's Guide, I am actually more of a reformed party girl.

My life these days is sort of low key for the most part.  During the week I usually go to the gym and then watch TV or read...wild I know.  Sometimes manfriend and I might go out to dinner and once in a while I even have a drink or two.

I do not party until the wee hours of the morning during the week like I did a few years ago.  I remember my first big girl job, I was not willing to change my drinking schedule so I went to work hungover almost every single day.  I have that job to thank for helping me get past the fear of throwing up in a public toilet.  I told my boss on day one that I suffered from frequent migraines....I thought there was no way she could tell I was always hungover then.

I have actually only been hungover at my current job once.  You heard me once!  I know what a good little gem I have become.  Don't worry I make up for it on the weekends.

Last night however, manfriend called me at work and asked if I wanted to go see Dr. John play.  I was like uhh it is a Tuesday, but yea.

He came and scooped me up from work and we made our way to the town where the concert was going on.  We picked out a cute restaurant and had a drink and some dinner.  Manfriend and I like to think we are rich people so naturally a Tuesday night impromptu dinner ran us about a hundred dollars.  I will share my money managing secrets with you all one of these days.

After dinner we headed to the venue had a drink and then went in to see the show.  It was amazing, I had so much fun, and I also had a lot of beer.  After the show ended I was a little drunk and naturally wanted more beer.  So that is what I had.  I didn't get home until about 1:30 and to say waking up this morning was rough is an understatement.

I am not hungover exactly (thank goodness) I just feel hella foggy.  I have consumed about 4 mini diet cokes and a blt and I really just want to eat chips and watch reality TV in the worst way...

Here I am at work though, keep your fingers crossed for me.  Oh yea and my boss saw me dropping manfriend off at his car which we left at my work last night.  He goes, "saw you doing the walk of shame this morning Erin".  Always a good way to start your day...

Where I come from...

You often hear the tail of a small town girl moving to the big city to make all her dreams come true.

My story is pretty much the opposite of that, but then I always tend to do things ass backwards.

Yesterday, the former mayor of Detroit, Kwamee Kilpatrick (who is one sleazy mofo), received the final verdict in his corruption hearing.  I live for public tirals and political drama!  When the reports first came out about Kwamee's shenanigans a few years ago I was obsessed.  The news that he was found guilty made me a lil' homesick for my old corrupt city, so I thought I would tell you all a little about my former home.  Here is an article about my boy Kwamee...it is pretty interesting stuff if you want your faith in politicians to be further destroyed.

I grew up in the suburbs of Detroit.  It was a great place to live, I have about three zillion amazing friends there and my family who is way cooler than any other family...sometimes I want to move back and never leave again.

I have wanted to move to a big city for as long as I can remember.  Detroit while I am told was once a thriving place, is now more like the anti-city, you can actually buy a house there for about $2,000 because no one wants to live in the city limits...you heard me right $2,000.  Sure the suburbs are nice, but downtown is in pretty sad shape.  Don't get me wrong, I love it for what it is.  Some of my favorite bars in the world are in Detroit.  There are some incredible museums and it has tons of character.  Detroit offers festivals in the summer (amazing ones at that), a great art and music scene, and a really diverse culture.  What it also has is a lot of abandoned buildings, no public transportation, and a very small actual downtown area where you can safely walk around, oh yeah and a lot of crime.  It does not have the same energy some cities do on a day to day basis.  Sure when a baseball game or some other event is going on or the city is alive, but on your average evening it is not really so lively.

Detroit is a place that is fun to visit but not one I want to live in.  I rented an apartment in the city at one point and only stayed 4 months.  It was just not for me.  I chose to live in Ferndale, a small city outside of Detroit which is pretty awesome.  I loved living there, it had a walkable downtown, lots of bars and restaurants, cute shops, and all that crap...but it is small.  I want to live somewhere with a zillion bars and action on every corner.  So naturally I moved to a rural ass town in Maryland.

It is a stepping stone though, I got a job offer I could not pass up for my resume's sake, and am hoping to be in a city sooner than later.  In the mean time I miss Detroit like I never thought I would. 

thirty one problems...

I don't know what it is about my (not so new now) little town, but the bit**es here love them some Thirty One bags.  (if you don't know what Thirty One bags are don't worry I am sure you will be invited to a party very soon. They are like Tupperware parties but not.)

When I first moved here I had one friend, it was the girl who I sublet my apartment from, she took pity on me I guess and would occasionally invite me to things.  Such as a Thirty One party....I had never heard of such a party but I showed up because frankly I had nothing better to do.  Since that fateful evening I have been to 4 more of the damn parties!!

I mean I love to sit around and drink wine with my friends, but I always feel so obligated to buy something and then I get drunk and buy even more stuff.  They are not a good thing for me.  I don't even like the bags (like not at all).  I am very picky about style and bags and purses, but for some reason after a few glasses of wine, I find myself wanting everything in the book.  At the Thirty One party I went to on Saturday night, I told my friend over and over I was not going to buy anything.  I even brought an appetizer so I wouldn't feel like a cheap ass showing up for the free wine. 

I was feeling pretty guilty about leaving my pup at home alone after his horrible day, so naturally I bought him a personalized tote bag.  Every dog needs one right?? When I got home he told me I was dumb and that he would have preferred a double cheeseburger from Burger King, I could have saved myself like $36 dollars if I had just asked him first.  I also for some reason felt the need to purchase a large tote bag that I already have.  I regretted the decision the second I sobered up, but it was too late. The damage was done.

On a good note, my little patient is doing pretty well.  Keep sending him your good thoughts, and remember don't ever exercise.  No good will come of it.  Also, stay away from Thirty One parties.

This is what I get....

Today was not a good day.  Not a good day at all.  In fact it was the worst day I have had in a long, long time.  Today my baby dog Fred; the sweetest, most angelest, cutest pup alive was attacked by another dog.  Luckily he is mostly ok, but man oh man...what a way to spend your Saturday.

So Friday night I decided to stay in.  I worked late, went to the gym for Zumba, grocery shopped, took Fred on a jog, cooked a healthy dinner, then watched a movie.  I don't know what alien crawled into my body and made me do those things, but I assure you next weekend I am going to drink enough booze to kill it.

I woke up early this morning ready for another healthy alien day.  I figured today Fred and I would go for a jog before I went to kick boxing class.  We did one lap around the neighborhood and the weather was gorgeous so we kept on going for a second.  About halfway through, the incident went down.

I am not going to go into details, it was gorey and horrible and I really do not want to think about it.  It was honestly one of the worst things I have ever seen.  Basically a girl was walking her dog across the street from where we were running, it slipped out of its collar and came at Fred.  I could not break the dogs apart.  I started screaming and crying and finally some neighbors came out.  I can only imagine the swears that were flying out of ma mouth.  I apologize to any children that may have heard me.

It was bad enough that I called the police.  I got Fred to the vet right away and thankfully, $700 later he is ok.  He is really beat up and there is a slight chance his snout is fractured, but hopefully not. 

I feel so sad for my baby.  I went out and bought him every treat in the store and made him eggs for dinner.  He was prescribed three different medications, so I am a little jealous about that.  Fred is definitely much higher than you or I.  He has been resting up and is in pretty good spirits considering.

The vet had to shave all his wounds so his hair is looking a little cray cray.  I mean he looks better than Anne Hathaway, but it is not his best look.

So what is the moral of this story??? Don't work out, EVER!!! Seriously. Normally I get shwasted Friday night then spend my entire Saturday hung over eating junk food on my couch and no one gets hurt.  The one weekend I act like a damn healthy person my baby gets the shit beat out of him....

If you are a prayer say one for Fred.  If you aren't send him a happy thought.  He is a sweetie and will lick your face in return for some good vibes.

(The baby with his ice pack recovering on the couch)

Oooops I did it again

I have this rule about not drinking at work....yesterday I broke that rule.

I am an event planner for a museum, I am also younger than most of my colleagues by about 20 years.  When I first started many of my co-workers did not think I was capable of the job due to my age.  I may or may not have ruffled a feather or two.  As an event planner there are MANY opportunities to drink on the job.  I have a rule of never having more than one drink in a professional setting.  (I did not always have this rule and there are certainly exceptions to it).

My reasons for not drinking at my current job are:

-I get pretty wild when I am drunk and I am not sure some of the oldies can handle it.
-My boss is a teetotaler.  I am his favorite and want things to stay that way.
-A few people still don't exactly love me at work, I don't want to give them the upper hand.
-and lastly, I am not that great at having just a few drinks!

I am pretty laid back in my personal life.  I consider myself a free spirit and go with the flow most of the time.  Professionally however, I am a shark!! I want to one day have employees and I want them to fear me (In a good way).  I don't F**k around when it comes to my job.  I am not living in po dunk USA for my health, it is all in the name of my career...for those reasons I keep it sober in the office.

Yesterday afternoon I had an off site meeting with someone who works for the county.  We were discussing an event I am planning.  She suggested we meet at a local restaurant.  This woman is not a co-worker, but is definitely a professional acquaintance.  We sit down, she orders a glass of wine.  Obviously I don't want her to drink alone so I do too.  I haven't been drunk in over a week, so naturally that wine tasted mighty fine.  We both had a few more.  We both got toasted.  I forgot my cell phone in the restaurant and had to go back in to get it.  I hugged her when we parted ways (we are not friends, not sure why I went in for the hug)  I had to take a walk and get some coffee before I could drive home.

Luckily she got as drunk as I did, but what a silly goose I am, why can't I say no to you wine! We got a few things accomplished at the meeting and thank god I took notes, otherwise not sure it would have been too productive.

Do other people have rules about drinking at work?? Shit, I have some stories from my first job before I had this mentality...but I can't give away all my secrets.  Plus Jose would definitely dump me if he knew some of my shenanigans.

oh yeah, happy Friday.

I want to be a Russian

Never, in my life have I wanted anything more than to be a Russian motorist in lieu of recent events. In case you haven't heard, a giant ass meteor recently crashed to the ground in Russia.  There is a ton of video footage of the crash on the interweb because many of  the crazy Russians have installed dashboard cameras in their cars.  I couldn't understand why so many drivers had these dash cams so I did some investigative research last night (AKA I googled that shit). 

Apparently many folks install the cameras in case of crime or police brutality so they have a record of what happened.  If I were in Russia though I would get one just for pure entertainment.

 

I watched a handful of videos and the Russian commuter has a FAR more exciting drive than I.

The most exciting thing i have seen on the road since moving to the middle of nowhere is a raccoon.  I mean sure, once in a while I might see a rude or slightly entertaining bumper sticker, maybe a nose picker, but NOTHING like what goes down on the Rusisan roadways. 

You should probably watch this, if you didn't want to be a Russian before, you will now.

What a Russian driver experiences

( Shopping carts on the express way)

(Bitches beating dudes up)

(Motha F-ing planes!)

What I experience

(Fred chewing bones while riding shotty)

(Fred looking irritated with my driving)

(A restaurant called "Cluck-U Chicken" that sells chicken and cigarettes....)



So Much for a Snow Day

As you may or may not know, I spent the first 26 years of my life in Michigan. In Michigan, it is cold as shit and snows a lot!!

In Michigan, we wears shorts when it is above 50 degrees.

We do not get out of sorts unless there is more than a foot of snow....even then we still drive and carry on about our business.

Since I have moved to Maryland, I have realized how wussy some of the country is when it comes to snow. The folks at my work go bat shit crazy at even the threat of snow. We actually shut down once this winter for a mere dusting!!

Yesterday the news started reporting the possibility of a snow storm. My co-workers naturally spun into a tizzy. I even hopped on board. I wore my jamies inside out last night in hopes of a snow day today! I woke up every few hours to check on the conditions out side and to my dismay nothing! Not even a speck of snow :(

I was really hoping to stay home and hang with Fred instead of working today. I am sleeping with a spoon under my pillow tonight....that is probably why it didn't snow last night. I forgot that important step.

to be young at heart

You know how you have those nights in your early 20s where you get so drunk you just don't remember a dang thing...

When the only way you figure out where you went the night before is from finding the receipts in your purse the next morning...

When you literally can't get out of bed because you feel asleep with gum in your mouth and are stuck to the mattress...

When you find a pizza roll in your coat pocket in the morning...

When you know you must have taken a bath the night before because the bathroom rug is in the tub...

....well I guess I am just young at heart because here I am almost 30 and those things have all happened more recently than I care to admit.

Sure they don't happen quite as often as they did back in college (AKA the happiest place on earth) but they still happen.

I always imagined I would get real classy in my late twenties...but I turns out I just am who I am.

The other night I went out for a glass of wine with my girlfriend (just one glass, I do have it in me to be classy occasionally).  She started telling my about this new guy she is seeing. 

"OHHH when will I get to meet him??" I asked. 

"Umm you did on Saturday,"  she replied. 

"No way, I didn't. I was not even that drunk." I argue.

"Erin, you had like 6 drinks and some shots."

Me, "Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Do you remember peeing outside of the car in the parking lot??"  She asks.

"Well ya, but I just didn't want to go back inside."  I guess not everyone thinks it is acceptable to pee in the parking lot.  That is how we roll in Detroit though.

I probably need to stop drinking so much I can't remember, but man I really don't want to. 

What's in a Name

Do you ever find yourself thinking what the hell was someone thinking when it comes to a business name??

I would love to one day own a slice of the business pie....  I will certainly be very careful when it comes to choosing a name however.  Especially since I judge others so harshly.

Today at work I was sending out some mail to local day care centers.  Most had names like "Happy Faces", "Little Learners", "Miss Amy's", shit like that.  There was one that really stuck out in my mind however, "Little Beavers Daycare Center".  WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING??

I don't care how much you love the animal, we all know what comes to every one's mind when they hear the word beaver.  In fact if I were a beaver I would start a petition to change our name to something like wood eater...oh wait that's bad too.  Maybe small big toothed dog, or anything other than beaver.  I remember when my little sis and I learned what a beaver really was (a vagina in case you live under a rock) we laughed for days.  Literally days, we thought vaginas were pretty funny back in the day.  Honestly if you listen to Joan Rivers on Fashion Police they still are pretty funny. 

But I really think naming your daycare "Little Beavers" sounds like a fast way to wind up on the sex offender registry.  I certainly wouldn't send Fred to daycare there....his daycare has a totally normal name, "Downtown Pet Resort".  Yes, my dog has a daycare.  Judge away, I would.

Another terrible fu*king name I know of is a little place very close to my heart.  It was once a Dairy Queen where I had my first job, first whippet, and a few other firsts.  It went out of business (probably because of all the free cones my friends and I gave out) and was bought out by a new owner.  She chose to rename this piece of my personal history, "Lori's Lick Um Up" .

That name to me is more closely related to beavers than ice cream.  I would have gone with "Lori's Ice Cream Parlor" or maybe "Dairy Girl"  certainly not "Lori's Lick Um Up".

If you are thinking of opening a business and want my sick mind's opinion on the matter feel free to drop me a line.  I will be happy to help and/or judge you.

Textual Messages

It's like a sexual message without the romance or the sex.

 

Text messages are one of the many ways manfriend keep the laughter alive in our relationship.  Lately he has been working a hellish schedule where his shift is 6pm-6am.  I work 8-5 so I literally pass him on the road as he is driving to work and I am heading home.  With the exception of Tuesday his one day off and a few hours on Saturday and Sunday, I only see him for a few minutes in the morning as I am getting ready for work.  The schedule is temporary and will be back to normal in a month or so, but for now he leads the vampire life.  A few Tuesdays ago when he got off work at 6am he decided to have a few beers with his co-workers.  Many of his new work buddies are transplants for the particular project so he is meeting lots of delightful new people.  We live in a very small town and the population of rednecks is high.  The transplant workers seem to fit right in.

 

So one Tuesday, as I sat at my desk working away, Jose was celebrating happy hour...before 9am

 

Fred is our dog, I can't go more than a few minutes without talking about him.

If you have never had old bay you aren't missing much.  It is pretty much just seasoned salt but everyone in Maryland is obsessed.  They even have it at subway, and the local sushi place has an old bay roll....no shit.  This man's addiction takes the cake though.

I do what I want

I have been dating my current boy toy for almost three years now. 

Time sure flies when you're always drunk. 

Along with being my manfriend, Jose is also my roommate.

That's right people, we live in sin.  I know, I'm a rebel.
 I also once put a yankee candle tart in a scentsy burner. 
I will probably be inducted into the Sons of Anarchy in the next few weeks for my badass ways.

I have no plans to get married anytime soon, maybe not ever.  I cannot tell you though how many people I encounter that just don't understand it.  There is one guy at my work who seems to think all I want is to be proposed to it.  Without fail every Monday he asks me if Jose quote put a ring on it over the weekend. Guess what...if I wanted to be married I would be.  I love the heck out of a good wedding, well really any occasion with an open bar is a little slice of heaven.  And I think getting married is an awesome thing if it is what the couple wants.  I work as an event director so I know I could throw one hell of a stylish wedding, I just don't want to.  And neither does Jose. 

I have seen countless couples rush into marriage for all the wrong reasons, I am already talented at blowing my money I don't need the cost of a divorce to help me with it.

The only reason I can see for getting married at this point in my life is to get a bunch of free shit from Bed Bath and Beyond, and honestly I just don't have the space for it in my apartment. 

And speaking of marriage, I recently watched Celebrity Wife Swap.  Kendra from the playboy bunny show and Kate Gossling swapped lives.  What the hell happened to Kate Gossling?? She is an odd duck right there.  I don't know if she could get married again if she tried. 

And on that note, why are all these celebs getting on the reality shows once reserved for us little people?? The one and only reality show I have ever wanted to be a part of (well besides Road Rules, let's be honest we all wanted to be on that show at one point in our life) is What Not To Wear.  I have always dreamed of Stacy and Clinton creating a whole new look for me and getting five grand to blow in New York.  It is honestly a dream of mine; but now they are helping washed up celebs with their wardrobes.  So not fair.