My Morning Sickness

No dudes, I am not pregnant.  Yuck, I do not like babies (except my niece) and I think pregnancy is sort of akin to alien abduction (no offence).  I do however suffer from morning sickness.

I talked about it briefly here, but I want to elaborate.  This is not a made up disease.  I have suffered from NPMS *non-pregnant morning sickness* for quite some time. 

As a child, I was a bit of a grouch.  Some might even say I was a little biotch, I call it spunk, but whatever.  Anyway, I like most children went to school, and school started f-ing early.  My mom would wake my sister and I up approximate one hour before we had to leave for school.  Due to my affliction, NPMS, the first half hour of my day was spent watching cartoons in one of our green swively chairs with my parents and sister.  I know what you are thinking, umm that sounds pretty normal.  I assure you it was not.  While the other three members of my family watched TV and interacted with one another, I would wrap myself completely in a comforter with just my beady little asshole eyes peering out so I could see the TV.  NO ONE was allowed to speak to me, look at me, or touch me.  This was my time to be alone.  If anyone spoke to me it was not pretty.  I am pretty sure my sister even got bit a time or two.

What shows did we watch you ask?  Well there was only one:

The Magic F-ing School Bus

Thanks girl for helping me get well each and every morning of elementary school

I wish I could have been bright and cheery like you in the morning

This disease has not gone away in my adulthood.  In fact, it reared its ugly head this morning.  I woke up at 6am today to make manfriend breakfast when he got home from work, what a peach I am.  He is on a crazy schedule right now and I wanted to spend a quick hour with him.  I got up, got ready, and made breakfast.  I was feeling pretty ok!  He got home, we ate (I never eat breakfast mind you), and then we chatted for a bit.  About five minutes after we sat on the couch to catch up it hit me.  I don't know if it was the big breakfast I'm not used to, or the fact that I woke an hour before I usually do, but I hit a wall.  I wanted to crawl right back into bed and started feeling soooo tired. It might be partially because I stayed up until 2 watching Downton Abbey, but who really knows.  I am still fighting my eyelids even with some coffee in me. 

I really want to be a morning person, I set my alarm early every day.  I actually would love to be one of those people who works out before work.  I just cant.  I want to so bad and I can't.  Sorry manfriend I dunno how long me getting up at 6 is going to last.  I will try.  But hey, maybe on the weekends I will still be up drinking when you get home....let us see!

Jess and Mindy

My life as we all know is pretty awesome.  So awesome in fact that last night I came home from work, went to the dog park, then ate dinner in front of my TV.  I am wild.

I try not to get hooked on TV shows, but I always fail miserably.  I now have quite a few I am legitimately addicted to.  Two of my faves are Mindy Project and New Girl.

There is one reason and one reason only why I like New Girl, and that is Schmidt.  That mofo is so funny I just want him to have his own show so bad.  He is hands down the star of that show.  Last night I got to see him in a turban, I can probably die happy.

"I want to tell people about us because I think you are the dopest, flyest, smartest, ballsiest woman that I've sexually enjoyed in really long time"

"Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis: bishop in a turtleneck."

The Mindy Project on the other hand is just all around hilarious.  I crack up quite a lot while watching.  Morgan does have a soft spot in my heart however, and if I had to pick a faveorite he would win.

"Guys, I dropped a Mike and Ike on the Floor! I need all eyes on this!"

"How much for that seadog?"

I can't wait to watch some more TV tonight.  I am so cool.

all the single ladies

So I am not a mushy, boyfriend worshiping type of lady; in fact, most days I would rather be single (just kidding manfriend I luv you!).

I am currently on day two of manfriend's new work schedule and I miss the shit out of him!!

For the next 7 weeks, he will be working 6pm-6am Wednesday-Monday.  That's right; 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week.  I work 8-5 like a normal American, so this means we will rarely see each other.

Last night was his first shift.  He was gone by the time I got home.  I spent the night watching girly shit on TV and hanging with baby dog.  It was actually kind of nice to spend some one on one time with my son.  I even cooked us a nice dinner.

I could tell Fred was confused by the lack of dad in his apartment though.  He would look out the window anytime he hard a car, and around 10pm as I was sitting on the couch, he got up went into our room and came back carrying mandfriend's hat!! 

Around 1am when I had just fallen asleep my pup decide to start barking at the top of his dog lungs.  I thought one of two things: either a robber is trying to get in, or my dog is going to poop/puke all over the floor.  I would be ok with the robber, Fred is a 100 pound pitt bull mix, I don't think anyone would mess with him.  I figured he had to go out.  I opened the door and he just stood there looking at manfriend's empty parking space...I think he was just really sad!

Manfriend got home around 6:30am just as I was waking up.  We spent a few minutes together before I went to work.  It is going to be a weird few weeks. 

I am going to need to make an effort to get up and get ready earlier (no small feat for me!) so we can spend an hour or so together in the AM.

We will have weekend days to hang out and Tuesday nights, but it will still be odd.

Also, I am very jealous of how much my dog missed him,  I hope to god if I am gone all night sometime he will bring manfriend an article of my clothing!

(Where the F is DAD!)

not so Superbowl

I am going to be honest...I think football is super lame.  I try to get into all sports, because I love any reason to drink.  I was not raised in a sports fan family, and so my love of sports has been self taught in my adult life.  (I have it rough I know!)

I have learned to love baseball and hockey and even college basketball.  Football on the other hand, I do not get.  I guess it might help if I tried watching it, but I just don't want to.

I think the puppy bowl is way better than the Superbowl to be honest.

I spent last night eating a lot of chips and dips, drinking water because I was too hungover for beer, and playing on my phone when the game was on.  Luckily I was not alone and my girlfriend (also at the party) hates football too.  We sat in the corner begging the guys to put on the puppy bowl.

They did while the power outage fiasco was going down and I loved the little dauschund/basset hound mix!

I thought the halftime show was pretty good.  I know a lot of people didn't dig it, but I love Beyonce.  The only commercial (other than the horses which made me tear up) that I really liked was this Taco Bell one, if I am not a star on "Off Their Rockers" in my 70s, I hope to be living this life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvxZcULxfKw&feature=youtu.be

Your hair is everywhere

Can I just say I love this ombre trend. I am glad it seems to be sticking around for a while.

Back in my day we called it "bitch is too broke to afford new highlights", and now it is called ombre.

I have been proudly rocking my ombre (aka I’m too poor for highlights right now) hair since it came in style.

Before too long my hair will just be brown with some blonde tips, so I hope that look comes in style ASAP. We can call it dipdye.

The perks of being a loser

So, I should preface this entry with stating that I love my job. I really do, it is the best job and I feel really lucky to have it. I do not however love where I live. I don’t hate it, but I am a city girl at heart and the rural life is not for me. I sure as hell will make the best of it while I am here, but I have decided to start looking at other options. I didn’t plan to do this so soon, but I know how freaking awful the job search can be (it only took me a little over a year to find this one after all) so I decided to start searching. I was shocked when I had a callback the week after applying to a job I never thought I stood a chance at. You know those jobs you apply to even though they would be crazy to hire you.


This one called me though…and the position is basically my dream job in one of my dream cities. I had a phone interview, and it went AMAZING!! The woman interviewing me pretty much tried to make out with me over the phone. She told me how she wanted me to come for an in person interview after the first of the year, and how I should really explore the city and look at apartments when I come for an interview. So naturally, I thought I was a shoe in for this job. I found the apartment I wanted on craigslist (aka my bible), decided on the neighborhood I liked best, planned all kinds of fun things to do when I lived there, pinned my new city gal look on pinterest, and pretty much did everything but sign a lease and rent a uhaul.

so then January rolled around and I followed up like a good little interviewee.  Now I know it is hard to read someone’s demeanor by email, but the woman who interviewed me suddenly went all cold and professional and told me they are still reviewing candidates and to be patient. I have not heard back again. What the frick happened to you and me being BFF’s on the phone last week?? When did you decide we weren’t taking yoga classes together after work and I wasn’t invited to happy hour?? Yes, I was determined those things would happen if I got the job. So, now I am waiting, though I got the impression from her recent emails that they want to hire someone local…not the bad ass Marylander that I am. Applying for jobs is like dating, you never know when you are going to get friend zoned, or in my case unfriend zoned.

I love you Alka-Seltzer

So it happened...I finally got sick.

All the bitches in my office have been hacking up a lung all winter, and I have remained unscathed.  (I say bitches with the up most love and respect, I really do love most of them). 

Then we got back from New York.  That first Monday back I was a little sluggish,  I thought it was just from all the drinking and walking 5823389 miles a day. But no, by Tuesday I was a snot nosed, itchy throated mess.

I went to work anyway.  I had some hot tea on my drive in and came prepared with Halls breezes cough drops (aka candy), and emergencee packs.  I settled into work and went to the kitchen to make my second cup of green tea.  Somehow my dumb ass managed to pour boiling hot water onto my hand instead of into the tea cup where it belonged.

It hurt like hell, honestly I even cried a little because I was afraid it would give me a deformed hand.  I didn't want to have to transplant skin from my butt onto my hand!!

I went to our medical person on staff and he assured me it was just a first degree burn and I would live. 

My hand looks like I dipped it in red paint still!

It doesn't hurt too bad anymore, but sill looks weird...I am hoping to return to a normal hue by the weekend.

In addition to the hand my cold was raging as well.  I pretty much got nothing accomplished at work on Tuesday because I could only stand the hand pain if my hand was wrapped in a cold cloth.  Typing isn't that easy with one hand!

Awesome day at the office.  So I opted to stay home Wednesday.  Now, anyone who knows me can tell you I really hate to take a sick day when I am actually sick.  I try to suffer at work when I am sick and infect my coworkers so I can reserve my "sick" days for traveling, and doing other fun things, not sitting home being miserable.

But I was too sick to stick to my guns and I stayed home and moped around the house and slept.  I only left once to get cold medicine (which made me high so that's a plus)  I never take medication, but the nasty running nose of a five year old lead me to the drugs.  I took alka-seltzer, and man did it pack a punch.

I don't know how stay at home moms do it, daytime TV friggen sucks.  I started watching Downton Abbey on my kindle.  Great, the only TV show I wasn't hooked on, the bastard cold got me addicted.

I am back at work now and mostly better, I don't sound like a 50 year old chain smoker anymore so that is good.